Life is not an equation

Being a mathematician, I often think of things in numbers and formulas.  However, a buddy of mine pointed out that life cannot fit into an equation.  I can't perform LaPlace transformations or Bessel fuctions or Euler formulas to figure out the right answer to life.  It drives me crazy knowing that I can't solve my problems with a formula.  This week I've had so many people ask me about my future.  When am I going to graduate?  What am I planning to do after I graduate?  Do I plan on staying here?  Am I going to sell my house?  Am I going to stay with my boyfriend after I graduate?  Am I going to graduate school?  If so, for what and where?  Why can't I just figure it all out?

I hate not knowing what my future holds.  People that know me think that I'm crazy because I like to have a plan in place for the next ten years.  I am fully aware of the fact that my plan will change all the time because things change.  I just like having a plan, even if it doesn't work out.  After my nervous breakdown a little while ago, I can't even fathom the future anymore.  I have to take it day by day now.  Yesterday my boss asked me when I was going to graduate and I told him I don't know.  He asked me if I wanted to stay in my current location, I told him I don't know.  He asked me what I wanted to do when I graduate, I told him I don't know.  I'm not lying, I really have no idea what I want to do now.  I know I want to go to graduate school for Physics, but I don't know when or where.  I know I want to get a full time job after I graduate doing something I am passionate about but again, no specifics.  Other than that, I'm clueless.

I'm appreciative of my nervous breakdown.  It was an eye opener for me.  I was trying to plug life into an equation that doesn't exist.  I was creating my own anxiety and disfunction and blaming it on my circumstances.  I am no where near being better, but they say that knowledge is power.  The first step is admitting there is a problem.  The problem for me is that I create my own hostile environment.  Now I take each day at a time.  I get side tracked trying to plan things every once in a while but I try and create a healthy balance.  Everyday I balance work, school, and fun.  Once the semester is over, I'm going to try and catch up on the fun.  I'm going to take a trip, catch up on my reading, and learn to love myself for who I am.

Until I can find my true calling, I will never be fully happy.  However, being on the road to finding it is the most important thing I can do right now.  Hopefully soon I will figure it all out, but if not I'm going to make sure I can handle everyday that comes next.

It's been a while

So today is a really bad day for me.  I'm at school right now in between classes.  I had three tests in the past 48 hours and I probably failed them all.  School is driving me crazy, there are only two weeks left in the semester and I haven't prepared for any of my final exams coming up.  At this point I really don't care.  I don't graduate until Spring 2012, which really irks me.  On top of that, I can't stand my job but I can't find another one that pays as well.  I hate to admit that I need my job even though I loathe going to work everyday.  I'm half tempted to become a stripper, cut off all my luxury like cable, internet and my coffee fix.

I'm a believer that if you are not happy, there are easy ways to fix that.  It's called cutting the fat.  My job makes me miserable.  My school makes me stressed and my boyfriend of three months is not cutting it.

So besides my disgust for my job, I am struggling in school.  I think because I'm not happy at my job, it effects everything else in my life too.  I used to love school, but lately with everything else going on, I don't have the same passion I used to.  I want to find a job doing something I love.  The problem is, most jobs require a degree, which I wont have for another year!!!  I'm going to keep looking though.

Ok, so now the boyfriend.  I should have gotten rid of him a long time ago.  Don't get me wrong, I care about him a lot.  I just don't need the added stress of a relationship right now.  He moved in with me, so everyday I go home to him.  At first it was great, but now the problems are starting.  I'm beginning to see things I don't like.  For example, his birthday was a few weeks ago and I spoiled him like I have never spoiled anyone before.  He got everything and anything he wanted, it was a week long celebration.  Now, he expects to be pampered.  I have problems with that.  When we started talking I told him that I wanted to be spoiled.  I wanted to be treated like a princess.  What has he done for me?  Not much.  He paid for dinner a few times, he cuddled with me a couple nights, he cleaned the house once in a while, but other than that, nothing.  I'm not asking for material things.  I want to be taken care of emotionally.  He doesn't do that.  He never tells me he cares, he doesn't hug me or even give me much foreplay for sex.  I feel like he is using me to get what he wants, and he wants a sugar momma.  I'm ready to cut him off and move on.  I really do need to be single for a while.  Why can't I just get rid of him?  Easy, because I really care about him.  I enjoy spending time with him, he makes me happy.  He just doesn't give me enough.

Only time will tell.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm just trying to get through each hour in one piece.  I really need to publish more in this blog.  The more I write, the better I feel.  I'll be back soon.