Today has been rough. I'm going through some nasty Zoloft withdrawals because I keep forgetting to take my medication. I usually take it in the morning before work but since I have been working two jobs my schedule is all messed up and I am forgetting everything. I'm so depressed right now and it's no one's fault but mine.
I'm going to quit my second job. My last day will be Saturday. Why? School starts in less than a week and I need all my energy to do well in my classes. I need to pull up my GPA after last semester so that I can land a good job. Don't get me wrong, I had fun at the strip club, but I can't do that anymore. I'll probably do it again on the next big break between semesters just to supplement my income.
I find myself desperately seeking attention now. I think the reason I enjoy the strip club so much is that I get tons and tons of positive attention from men. When I go home I get absolutely NO positive attention. In fact, all I seem to get is negative attention. Of course I realize I shouldn't be dependent on any type of attention for my own personal happiness but it just gets old hearing nothing but negativity. Then again, who am I to talk? It seems all I spew out of my mouth is negative and depressing comments about my life. I know I have it better than most, but yet I'm not satisfied. I really am trying to be happy with my lot but it's so hard!! I wish I could flip a switch and become the person I'm meant to be. While I'm wishing for things, let me wish for life to be easy!
Ok, enough of my rant today. It's pathetic to realize that I have nothing but complaints about my life. I need to do some more soul searching.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Big Fight
I'm having a really tough day today. Yesterday my phone got cut off and I don't really have any money to pay the bill. I worked at AT&T yesterday 7.5 hours, then went to the club for 7.5 hours. I worked a total of 15 hours yesterday. I slept a total of 1.5 hours before coming in to AT&T this morning for another 7.5 hours. After this I'm back to another 7.5 hours at the club. In between, I need to cash my paycheck, pay my phone bill and get the service turned back on, turn in my cable equipment before they charge me for it, make my mini skirt for work with no sewing machine so I have to do it by hand; and I only have 6 hours to do all this and catch some sleep before going in to work. Needless to say I'm very cranky.
This morning when I got home at 415 I crawled into bed with the boyfriend and I just wanted to cuddle. He got all pissed off that I woke him up. I was mad. How dare he get pissed off that he has to wake up 30 minutes early while I worked my ass off all night on my feet for shitty tips. I work 15 hours a day with no sleep, he works 8 hours if that. I realize now that I may have been overreacting, but is it so much to ask for some damn sympathy?
Second and more important news: I had a big fight with the ex today. I mentioned that he is thinking about moving back here. I was talking to him today about it and I asked him why he wouldn't do it. Anyway, to try and convince him to move here I said it would be better if he moved here so that we could all be in the same area instead of me just taking the girls and leaving. He was shocked. I think he actually thought I was going to let him keep them. I have NO intention of just handing them over to him for good. They are girls, they need their mom way more than they need their dad. We got into a huge fight over this and he wants to take custody away from me. He is refusing to let me talk to the girls or see them. He said he would call the cops on me if I tried to take them away. He seems to be forgetting that I have two documents in my favor. One is the custody agreement and the other is the temporary custody agreement that we wrote stating that he will have TEMPORARY custody until June 2012. I'm not going to stress about it right now. The girls are safe, I know they are in good hands and they are not in any danger. In seven months when I graduate, I will find a good job and start preparing for them to return. I will sign them up for school, find a pediatrician, get health insurance for them, have everything ready for them to come live with me. Then, if he does try to fight me, I can show that I provide the better home since I have a steady job that makes way more than his minimum wage job. I will have everything the girls need to be happy and healthy. If he tries to take me to court I will remind him that I have two documents in my favor, plus the fact that I have a better living situation, along with the fact that he has a faulty CPS claim against me, and on top of that, I"M THE MOM!! I'm not worried. He doesn't have the money to take me to court and he knows he wont win.
I never thought I would have these problems with him. He is such a good dad, I should have expected him to put up a fight. He loves those girls more than anything. I'm willing to give up my dreams to stay here and keep us all in the same town, he needs to meet me half way. I refuse to make all the sacrifices anymore. If he doesn't move here, I'm taking the girls wherever my job is and he will have to deal with it.
This is not a good day. I am so overwhelmed I dont know what to do.
This morning when I got home at 415 I crawled into bed with the boyfriend and I just wanted to cuddle. He got all pissed off that I woke him up. I was mad. How dare he get pissed off that he has to wake up 30 minutes early while I worked my ass off all night on my feet for shitty tips. I work 15 hours a day with no sleep, he works 8 hours if that. I realize now that I may have been overreacting, but is it so much to ask for some damn sympathy?
Second and more important news: I had a big fight with the ex today. I mentioned that he is thinking about moving back here. I was talking to him today about it and I asked him why he wouldn't do it. Anyway, to try and convince him to move here I said it would be better if he moved here so that we could all be in the same area instead of me just taking the girls and leaving. He was shocked. I think he actually thought I was going to let him keep them. I have NO intention of just handing them over to him for good. They are girls, they need their mom way more than they need their dad. We got into a huge fight over this and he wants to take custody away from me. He is refusing to let me talk to the girls or see them. He said he would call the cops on me if I tried to take them away. He seems to be forgetting that I have two documents in my favor. One is the custody agreement and the other is the temporary custody agreement that we wrote stating that he will have TEMPORARY custody until June 2012. I'm not going to stress about it right now. The girls are safe, I know they are in good hands and they are not in any danger. In seven months when I graduate, I will find a good job and start preparing for them to return. I will sign them up for school, find a pediatrician, get health insurance for them, have everything ready for them to come live with me. Then, if he does try to fight me, I can show that I provide the better home since I have a steady job that makes way more than his minimum wage job. I will have everything the girls need to be happy and healthy. If he tries to take me to court I will remind him that I have two documents in my favor, plus the fact that I have a better living situation, along with the fact that he has a faulty CPS claim against me, and on top of that, I"M THE MOM!! I'm not worried. He doesn't have the money to take me to court and he knows he wont win.
I never thought I would have these problems with him. He is such a good dad, I should have expected him to put up a fight. He loves those girls more than anything. I'm willing to give up my dreams to stay here and keep us all in the same town, he needs to meet me half way. I refuse to make all the sacrifices anymore. If he doesn't move here, I'm taking the girls wherever my job is and he will have to deal with it.
This is not a good day. I am so overwhelmed I dont know what to do.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Exhausted
After starting my new job on Friday night, I've gotten very little sleep. I don't work tonight, thank goodness, but I am at my other job right now pulling a six hour shift. Ironicly, I enjoy working at a strip club so much more than I like working at my day time job. I can't stand my daytime job. It's boring, the boss is an ass, and I have no appreciation for what I do. What I love about the strip club job is that I get to interact with people all night. I'm not stuck in a cubicle isolated from the rest of the world. I can be myself at my other job. I spent Friday night at work drinking and dancing to good music, talking to different people all night, and enjoying myself. I loved it. I'm thankful that I don't have to go to school for two more weeks so I can try to adjust to not sleeping at night. I did the math (go figure) today about when I would have time to sleep and when I would have time to study. Here is my schedule:
Monday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Sleep and study from 6pm-
Tuesday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Sleep and study 6-8 Work 9-4am club
Wednesday: repeat Tuesday
Thursday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Work 8-4am club
Friday: School from 9-1130 Sleep and study 12-6 Work 8-5am club
Saturday: Sleep and study 6am-6pm Work 8-5am club
Sunday: Sleep and study 6am-
So pretty much in summary, no sleep on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. I can catch up on Saturday morning, Sunday, and Monday night. How is this going to work? No idea. The above schedule is only good for one month then it changes slightly but not significantly enough to give me more time to sleep. The only difference is that I will work at AT&T 7am-11am M-F and School 11-3pm M-F and the club schedule will stay the same. So if anything, I will probably get less sleep. However, that second schedule will only be for a month.
In the fall (ie August) I will have to quit one of my two jobs. There is no way I can maintain a full time job, a part time job, and a full time school schedule at the same time and still manage to get good grades. One job will have to go, not sure which one yet. Honestly, it will probably be AT&T because of my school schedule. It will be difficult for me to juggle work and school during the day.
Also, I have managed to somehow gain ten pounds. I'm not thrilled at all. I don't know how I did it. Well, it's time to fix that. Starting in two days I go on a special diet. I get paid from the strip club tomorrow and I'll use the cash to buy healthy food. I'm going to have to make the boyfriend cook since I will not have enough time to cook most days, let alone sleep! I will make healthy snacks and keep myself from indulging in junk food. Luckily, I have two days to pig out first!! By the end of these two days I'll be so sick of junk food that going on the diet will be easy.
I talked to the ex today. He plans on moving back to town. I think it's great. The kids will be here and they will get to have both parents in the same city. He wants to take the house, which is great because I wont have to pay the outrageous mortgage on that thing anymore. If he does move back, I plan on getting a job nearby after graduation and going to grad school for Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering. Maybe I can even get my new job to pay for grad school. You never know! I'm getting a head of myself though. He only had the idea and wanted to run it by me. I have no problem with it and I really hope that he moves back. It will make my life so much easier! I miss my kids so much and I know I wont have the time or ability to take care of them if there were here, but at least I would get to see them. Once I graduate in 201 days (yes, I counted), I wouldn't want to just take the kids from him and hurt all of them. I swear I think my ex would die if I just took them away from him. He is a great guy, a terrible husband, but a really great dad. He loves the kids more than I could ever ask, probably more than I do. I don't want to hurt him by just taking them and leaving. I don't want to confuse the girls either. It's really sad to think how difficult this will be. When my parents got divorced I didn't really care if I ever saw my dad again. To this day, if my dad died I wouldn't even go to his funeral. My kids have such an awesome relationship with their dad, one that I've never had. I can't imagine what it would be like for them to miss him.
Monday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Sleep and study from 6pm-
Tuesday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Sleep and study 6-8 Work 9-4am club
Wednesday: repeat Tuesday
Thursday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Work 8-4am club
Friday: School from 9-1130 Sleep and study 12-6 Work 8-5am club
Saturday: Sleep and study 6am-6pm Work 8-5am club
Sunday: Sleep and study 6am-
So pretty much in summary, no sleep on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. I can catch up on Saturday morning, Sunday, and Monday night. How is this going to work? No idea. The above schedule is only good for one month then it changes slightly but not significantly enough to give me more time to sleep. The only difference is that I will work at AT&T 7am-11am M-F and School 11-3pm M-F and the club schedule will stay the same. So if anything, I will probably get less sleep. However, that second schedule will only be for a month.
In the fall (ie August) I will have to quit one of my two jobs. There is no way I can maintain a full time job, a part time job, and a full time school schedule at the same time and still manage to get good grades. One job will have to go, not sure which one yet. Honestly, it will probably be AT&T because of my school schedule. It will be difficult for me to juggle work and school during the day.
Also, I have managed to somehow gain ten pounds. I'm not thrilled at all. I don't know how I did it. Well, it's time to fix that. Starting in two days I go on a special diet. I get paid from the strip club tomorrow and I'll use the cash to buy healthy food. I'm going to have to make the boyfriend cook since I will not have enough time to cook most days, let alone sleep! I will make healthy snacks and keep myself from indulging in junk food. Luckily, I have two days to pig out first!! By the end of these two days I'll be so sick of junk food that going on the diet will be easy.
I talked to the ex today. He plans on moving back to town. I think it's great. The kids will be here and they will get to have both parents in the same city. He wants to take the house, which is great because I wont have to pay the outrageous mortgage on that thing anymore. If he does move back, I plan on getting a job nearby after graduation and going to grad school for Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering. Maybe I can even get my new job to pay for grad school. You never know! I'm getting a head of myself though. He only had the idea and wanted to run it by me. I have no problem with it and I really hope that he moves back. It will make my life so much easier! I miss my kids so much and I know I wont have the time or ability to take care of them if there were here, but at least I would get to see them. Once I graduate in 201 days (yes, I counted), I wouldn't want to just take the kids from him and hurt all of them. I swear I think my ex would die if I just took them away from him. He is a great guy, a terrible husband, but a really great dad. He loves the kids more than I could ever ask, probably more than I do. I don't want to hurt him by just taking them and leaving. I don't want to confuse the girls either. It's really sad to think how difficult this will be. When my parents got divorced I didn't really care if I ever saw my dad again. To this day, if my dad died I wouldn't even go to his funeral. My kids have such an awesome relationship with their dad, one that I've never had. I can't imagine what it would be like for them to miss him.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Second Job and a Game Plan
So today I didn't do as well as I had hoped. I resorted back to old habits for the first part of the day. I think it's due to my lack of Zoloft, because I broke down in tears this morning over my financial situation. Reflecting back on this morning, I'm sure it was the Zoloft withdrawal that caused my relapse. However, after I calmed down and started the day I was able to maintain my new persona and mantra of learning to be alone. It was harder today than I expected, but for the most part I'm doing ok. Tomorrow I'll do better, I have a game plan. I realized today how important it is for me to have a game plan, it keeps me grounded even if I know it will not come to fruition.
I had a little to do list for today and tomorrow since I have these two days off of work. I accomplished half of my tasks today, the other half I will hopefully take care of tomorrow. I got a second job today. I'm not sure when it will start, but I'm now a waitress at a local strip club. It's not a job I'm proud of, but the extra income will be enough to get me out of the red. I was worried about how the boyfriend would react, but he said he is ok with it as long as I'm not a dancer. So what if I wear tight clothes and flirt with guys that may occassionally try to grab at me, how is that different from going out to a club? The difference is I will get PAID to do it. Those same guys that will try to grab at me will also pay me, so I don't mind.
The other big topic is that I did a lot of research today regarding my future. Unfortunately for me, it's not all good news. The best part is, that after I graduate in December I will be applying to grad school to pursue my PhD in Physics. Yes, that's right, I said PHD!!! I can actually skip over the Masters and go directly into school for my PhD. However, I need to study for the GRE and the Physics GRE. The GRE is relatively easy, almost like the ASVAB (the test you have to take to enter the armed forces). However, it is the same amount of questions only with less time so it's significantly harder. The Physics GRE is much much harder and is only given three times a year. Hopefully I can take it before I graduate.
The second part of that topic is that I have a general plan for how to get into grad school. First priority is to find a job. I can't start going to grad school until I have someone to help me pay for it! In September my school is having a career fair. This is the key to my success. They do on site interviews and if I can get them to interview, I know I will get job offers. I'm going to take the best job offer I get, regardless of the location. It's only an entry level job, I can only go up. I will not be able to get my perfect job starting out, so I will settle for something that I love to do even if it's not in the right location.
So I know this has been a lengthy post, but a lot has happened to me and I needed to get it all out! Oh, and the boyfriend was upset with me today. Apparantly my posts on facebook are getting back to him. I have a lot of his friends as my facebook friends, and I guess they misinterpreted what I was posting. I would comment about my dismal financial situation and my problems and I guess what I was posting caused his friends to question him about it. My mistakes are my fault and only mine. I have no one to blame for my financial or emotional problems but myself. I posted that on facebook, hopefully things will get better. If not, I will just have to delete his friends from my facebook. Oh well, we will see if it gets better.
I had a little to do list for today and tomorrow since I have these two days off of work. I accomplished half of my tasks today, the other half I will hopefully take care of tomorrow. I got a second job today. I'm not sure when it will start, but I'm now a waitress at a local strip club. It's not a job I'm proud of, but the extra income will be enough to get me out of the red. I was worried about how the boyfriend would react, but he said he is ok with it as long as I'm not a dancer. So what if I wear tight clothes and flirt with guys that may occassionally try to grab at me, how is that different from going out to a club? The difference is I will get PAID to do it. Those same guys that will try to grab at me will also pay me, so I don't mind.
The other big topic is that I did a lot of research today regarding my future. Unfortunately for me, it's not all good news. The best part is, that after I graduate in December I will be applying to grad school to pursue my PhD in Physics. Yes, that's right, I said PHD!!! I can actually skip over the Masters and go directly into school for my PhD. However, I need to study for the GRE and the Physics GRE. The GRE is relatively easy, almost like the ASVAB (the test you have to take to enter the armed forces). However, it is the same amount of questions only with less time so it's significantly harder. The Physics GRE is much much harder and is only given three times a year. Hopefully I can take it before I graduate.
The second part of that topic is that I have a general plan for how to get into grad school. First priority is to find a job. I can't start going to grad school until I have someone to help me pay for it! In September my school is having a career fair. This is the key to my success. They do on site interviews and if I can get them to interview, I know I will get job offers. I'm going to take the best job offer I get, regardless of the location. It's only an entry level job, I can only go up. I will not be able to get my perfect job starting out, so I will settle for something that I love to do even if it's not in the right location.
So I know this has been a lengthy post, but a lot has happened to me and I needed to get it all out! Oh, and the boyfriend was upset with me today. Apparantly my posts on facebook are getting back to him. I have a lot of his friends as my facebook friends, and I guess they misinterpreted what I was posting. I would comment about my dismal financial situation and my problems and I guess what I was posting caused his friends to question him about it. My mistakes are my fault and only mine. I have no one to blame for my financial or emotional problems but myself. I posted that on facebook, hopefully things will get better. If not, I will just have to delete his friends from my facebook. Oh well, we will see if it gets better.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Day One
So Day One of my new epiphany. Yesterday I did really well. I told the boyfriend that I wanted to start over. Neither of us will bring up the past, and we are going to start over fresh. I don't know how well it will work but at least it's an attempt to get a clean slate. I didn't go fishing for attention from anyone. Today, I stopped myself from doing too much with that. I did a little bit of fishing for attention but I think I'm set for the rest of the day. I don't have the urge to create any drama right now. When I get off of work today, I plan on going home and relaxing. I will clean up the kitchen, cook a new dish that I've done before, and play some COD to unwind. Tomorrow I have a lot of things I need to do, hopefully I can get it all done.
I ran out of my Zoloft today. I'm hoping that the huge chemical inbalance that will be caused from missing my medication wont affect me too much.
I was going to pick up my kids next weekend for memorial weekend, five whole days with them. Unfortunately being almost $800 in the hole means I can't go get my kids. I can afford to buy groceries, I can't afford to pay my bills, I can't afford anything right now. I hate not being able to keep my old standard of living. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and always wondering if I have enough to make it through the week. I get paid in two days and then I'll still be $200 in the hole with at least $300 worth of bills due. I just can't catch up. I'm thinking about calling my mortgage company and asking them if I can skip a payment. I've been current on every single payment since 2007, I hope they will cut me some slack. That's on my list of things to do tomorrow.
I ran out of my Zoloft today. I'm hoping that the huge chemical inbalance that will be caused from missing my medication wont affect me too much.
I was going to pick up my kids next weekend for memorial weekend, five whole days with them. Unfortunately being almost $800 in the hole means I can't go get my kids. I can afford to buy groceries, I can't afford to pay my bills, I can't afford anything right now. I hate not being able to keep my old standard of living. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and always wondering if I have enough to make it through the week. I get paid in two days and then I'll still be $200 in the hole with at least $300 worth of bills due. I just can't catch up. I'm thinking about calling my mortgage company and asking them if I can skip a payment. I've been current on every single payment since 2007, I hope they will cut me some slack. That's on my list of things to do tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Learn to Be Alone
Ok, so since I've started this blog I've had little epiphanies every other week. I guess this is the newest one. However, this one seems to resonate more than the others. I think I have finally found the route cause of all my distress. I don't know how to be alone. I've been in a relationship of some sort for the past decade, rarely have I been on my own. Now that the divorce is final, the kids are living with their dad, and I have nothing but myself here (besides the boyfriend), I am reaching out to everyone with all the drama I can come up with just to stay in contact. It backfired, and now no one wants to talk to me because I have too much drama. I really need to learn how to be alone. I need to learn how to go through things without talking to someone all day. I will start small. I will not initiate texts with anyone, especially not the boyfriend. If someone does text me, I will not divulge personal information beyond the superficial. With that, once I get comfortable with those barriers, I'll move on to facebook and then to other capacities where I go too far. Once I put up those barriers, I can really start to explore myself and figure out what makes me happy. Hopefully this works. If not, at least I can stop pushing my friends away with all my drama.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Finals
It is finals week here for us college students. I took two finals today and I have one more tomorrow. My back and neck are killing me from crouching over books and stressing out over the tests. Last night I was up until 3 in the morning but not studying, I just couldn't sleep. I had gotten coffee to keep me awake to study but I couldn't focus on math so I went to bed but I got right back up. So now, it's 7pm and I already took two sleeping pills and bayer back and body to try and relax. Tomorrow's final doesn't do much more than guarantee I get my C so I'm not stressing over it. However, my body is fighting the stress and anxiety. Thank goodness for Zoloft or I might not be getting through this so well.
Speaking of Zoloft, I learned a tough lesson last night. My sex drive dissappeared. I went from being able to cum on command to struggling to stay turned on. I tried to have sex with my boyfriend last night but I just couldn't get into it. I have no desire for sex now, I just want to cuddle, nothing more. Now that the sex is not part of the relationship, I wonder how it will evolve from here. However, since this is a temporary relationship, I'm not too worried. I will be moving in 7 months to my new job (wherever it may be!) and he will have to decide if he wants to come with me or not, cause i'm not going to put my life on hold for him.
Speaking of my life, I'm clueless what to do with it. I'm debating about what I want to do and how I want to pursue the rest of my education. Do I want to bust my butt and graduate in December or take it easy and struggle financially until next May? How will relocating around the holidays affect everything?
My back is killing me. I'll post more later.
Speaking of Zoloft, I learned a tough lesson last night. My sex drive dissappeared. I went from being able to cum on command to struggling to stay turned on. I tried to have sex with my boyfriend last night but I just couldn't get into it. I have no desire for sex now, I just want to cuddle, nothing more. Now that the sex is not part of the relationship, I wonder how it will evolve from here. However, since this is a temporary relationship, I'm not too worried. I will be moving in 7 months to my new job (wherever it may be!) and he will have to decide if he wants to come with me or not, cause i'm not going to put my life on hold for him.
Speaking of my life, I'm clueless what to do with it. I'm debating about what I want to do and how I want to pursue the rest of my education. Do I want to bust my butt and graduate in December or take it easy and struggle financially until next May? How will relocating around the holidays affect everything?
My back is killing me. I'll post more later.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Introspection
Looking back on my blog I realized that I wrote a lot about blame. I blamed everything on someone or something else like my depression, my boyfriend, my stress, all of it were just excuses for my bad behavior. Now that I am back on my Zoloft, I'm starting to think clearly again. I realize how psychotic I have been towards my boyfriend. I have blown up over stupid stuff and took jokes seriously. In fact, today at work I truly realized how crazy I have been. A co-worker said something that was obviously meant to be taken with a grain of salt but I took it to heart. She told me that I need to lighten up and learn how to take a joke. It hit me. Half of the problems in my budding romance stem from my insecurities. I also cause almost all the fights and I'm too eager to jump to conclusions. I have no trust, despite the fact that he really hasn't done much for me to not trust him. I'm so eager to pass the blame and point the finger that I don't really see what is going on with me. So now I have a goal. A real goal. I'm going to work on my insecurities. I need to build myself up. I let my ex bring me down, and now I'm struggling to climb out of the hole. Well, it starts now. No more insecurities, no more self deprecation or doubt. I need to listen to my heart and be strong.
Wish me luck, I'm going to need it. These are the biggest demons I've ever come up against.
Wish me luck, I'm going to need it. These are the biggest demons I've ever come up against.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Running In Circles
I'm such a chicken. You know when you know something is bad for you but you just keep doing it anyway? For example, you know that eating a huge piece of chocolate cake at midnight is just going to make you gain five pounds overnight but you eat it anyway? Or you know that your monthly trip to the spa that you can't afford is causing huge debts but you can't seem to give it up? That's kind of like my relationship I'm in right now.
Problem one, I'm not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship but I pursue it anyway. I know full well I'm not capable of having a healthy relationship right now. So why the heck do I have a live in boyfriend?
Problem two, I picked the one guy that isn't emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship either. He is probably the one person even worse off than I am, and he's the one I picked.
Solution? Get rid of him. The probability that either of us will break up with the other? 0. So, knowing full well that this relationship is toxic and will lead us nowhere, I still stay. We fight every day, or at least every other day. I'm jealous, possesive, and angry all the time. He is closed up tighter than a 100 year old bottle of wine. I'm going to try and have him stay somewhere else for a week. I would really like some time alone to just be myself for a while. I'd like to see what I would do with all that alone time. If I find that I don't really miss him, then I have my answer. We just moved too fast. Now I need to get out. Fast.
Problem one, I'm not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship but I pursue it anyway. I know full well I'm not capable of having a healthy relationship right now. So why the heck do I have a live in boyfriend?
Problem two, I picked the one guy that isn't emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship either. He is probably the one person even worse off than I am, and he's the one I picked.
Solution? Get rid of him. The probability that either of us will break up with the other? 0. So, knowing full well that this relationship is toxic and will lead us nowhere, I still stay. We fight every day, or at least every other day. I'm jealous, possesive, and angry all the time. He is closed up tighter than a 100 year old bottle of wine. I'm going to try and have him stay somewhere else for a week. I would really like some time alone to just be myself for a while. I'd like to see what I would do with all that alone time. If I find that I don't really miss him, then I have my answer. We just moved too fast. Now I need to get out. Fast.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Confused
I'm confused.
I find that I am not seizing the day. Carpe Diem is lost on me. I think the big problem for me is that I don't have a focus. I don't have a goal. I spend my day trying to juggle what life I want to live. Do I want to cut corners and have fun while I can? Or do I want to do my best at work and school and give my full attention to it?
It's either dedicate myself to school and work, or enjoy life and relax. It's scary, because part of me thinks I need a break from everything but the rational part of me realizes I need to make money to support my lifestyle. I'm wondering if I lose my job, and I cut my expenses, and I focus on just school, will I be happier? It's something to think about for sure.
School comes first, then work, then play. Shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't play come first? I don't know. I'm confused. I need a sign. Which way do I go?
I find that I am not seizing the day. Carpe Diem is lost on me. I think the big problem for me is that I don't have a focus. I don't have a goal. I spend my day trying to juggle what life I want to live. Do I want to cut corners and have fun while I can? Or do I want to do my best at work and school and give my full attention to it?
It's either dedicate myself to school and work, or enjoy life and relax. It's scary, because part of me thinks I need a break from everything but the rational part of me realizes I need to make money to support my lifestyle. I'm wondering if I lose my job, and I cut my expenses, and I focus on just school, will I be happier? It's something to think about for sure.
School comes first, then work, then play. Shouldn't it be the other way? Shouldn't play come first? I don't know. I'm confused. I need a sign. Which way do I go?
Monday, May 2, 2011
New Job Needed
As much as I hate to be in a financial crisis, I appreciate my happiness more. On Friday I had a really nasty encounter at work with my boss and I'm pretty sure I'm about to be fired. However, I am getting conflicting pieces of advice from those who care about me. Some people say I should quit before I get fired, others say I should appologize to my boss and try to keep my crappy job, others say I should just go in to work and pretend it never happened. I go back to work tomorrow so I'm anxious to see what I will decide to do. However, I am now actively searching for a new job.
Ok, so this weekend was a revelation to me. I love how when I get to a huge impacting event it comes in threes. My post the other day about cutting the fat was very reflective of me. This weekend something similar happened. I was told not by one person, but three, (one in a blog response!!) that I need to do what is best for ME and no one else. It's true, I've been living for everyone else but me. It's very strange realizing that I am not really in control of my life despite the fact that I need to be. I refuse to let myself get swept away again. Multiple times this weekend people have told me that I need to think for myself and do what makes ME happy. The only problem - I have no idea what will make me happy. I'm trying to reflect on my current situation and see where I want to be in five years. However, it's not that easy. I can picture what I want to be doing, but I have no idea how to get there!!!! I would love to work at NASA designing missile systems in a team of engineers and building rockets. How do I do it? What can I do now to ensure I get there? Step one- don't get fired. Ok, so that was easy. Step two - graduate. Ok, not so easy but I'm working on it. Step three - get experience with rockets. That's the key! I need experience building rockets! Ok, but how do I get that? Internships? Graduate research?? Time for me to start figuring out where I can get that kind of experience. Step four - get letters of recommendation. Fairly easy, I need to approach a few professors for that but I'm sure I can pull it off. Step five - build up a good resume. That's gonna take time and effort on my part that I will have to do once I have a break from school. Step six- once the first five steps are complete, apply to NASA. I need to get a response from them somehow as to what I need to do better in order to get a position.
Time for class, will post again later.
Ok, so this weekend was a revelation to me. I love how when I get to a huge impacting event it comes in threes. My post the other day about cutting the fat was very reflective of me. This weekend something similar happened. I was told not by one person, but three, (one in a blog response!!) that I need to do what is best for ME and no one else. It's true, I've been living for everyone else but me. It's very strange realizing that I am not really in control of my life despite the fact that I need to be. I refuse to let myself get swept away again. Multiple times this weekend people have told me that I need to think for myself and do what makes ME happy. The only problem - I have no idea what will make me happy. I'm trying to reflect on my current situation and see where I want to be in five years. However, it's not that easy. I can picture what I want to be doing, but I have no idea how to get there!!!! I would love to work at NASA designing missile systems in a team of engineers and building rockets. How do I do it? What can I do now to ensure I get there? Step one- don't get fired. Ok, so that was easy. Step two - graduate. Ok, not so easy but I'm working on it. Step three - get experience with rockets. That's the key! I need experience building rockets! Ok, but how do I get that? Internships? Graduate research?? Time for me to start figuring out where I can get that kind of experience. Step four - get letters of recommendation. Fairly easy, I need to approach a few professors for that but I'm sure I can pull it off. Step five - build up a good resume. That's gonna take time and effort on my part that I will have to do once I have a break from school. Step six- once the first five steps are complete, apply to NASA. I need to get a response from them somehow as to what I need to do better in order to get a position.
Time for class, will post again later.
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