Being a mathematician, I often think of things in numbers and formulas. However, a buddy of mine pointed out that life cannot fit into an equation. I can't perform LaPlace transformations or Bessel fuctions or Euler formulas to figure out the right answer to life. It drives me crazy knowing that I can't solve my problems with a formula. This week I've had so many people ask me about my future. When am I going to graduate? What am I planning to do after I graduate? Do I plan on staying here? Am I going to sell my house? Am I going to stay with my boyfriend after I graduate? Am I going to graduate school? If so, for what and where? Why can't I just figure it all out?
I hate not knowing what my future holds. People that know me think that I'm crazy because I like to have a plan in place for the next ten years. I am fully aware of the fact that my plan will change all the time because things change. I just like having a plan, even if it doesn't work out. After my nervous breakdown a little while ago, I can't even fathom the future anymore. I have to take it day by day now. Yesterday my boss asked me when I was going to graduate and I told him I don't know. He asked me if I wanted to stay in my current location, I told him I don't know. He asked me what I wanted to do when I graduate, I told him I don't know. I'm not lying, I really have no idea what I want to do now. I know I want to go to graduate school for Physics, but I don't know when or where. I know I want to get a full time job after I graduate doing something I am passionate about but again, no specifics. Other than that, I'm clueless.
I'm appreciative of my nervous breakdown. It was an eye opener for me. I was trying to plug life into an equation that doesn't exist. I was creating my own anxiety and disfunction and blaming it on my circumstances. I am no where near being better, but they say that knowledge is power. The first step is admitting there is a problem. The problem for me is that I create my own hostile environment. Now I take each day at a time. I get side tracked trying to plan things every once in a while but I try and create a healthy balance. Everyday I balance work, school, and fun. Once the semester is over, I'm going to try and catch up on the fun. I'm going to take a trip, catch up on my reading, and learn to love myself for who I am.
Until I can find my true calling, I will never be fully happy. However, being on the road to finding it is the most important thing I can do right now. Hopefully soon I will figure it all out, but if not I'm going to make sure I can handle everyday that comes next.
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