The Blues

So, I almost contacted my ex, the one I wrote about last time.  He isn't even that good in bed but I am getting so desperate for that physical connection that I was going to just throw myself back into that mess.  Thank goodness I stopped myself because that would have just been a train wreck.

I honestly can't figure out why I'm so desperate for a man's attention.  Maybe it's because I have no friends here.  Maybe it's because I am trying to substitute a man for my happiness.  I don't know.  Whatever it is, I need to figure it out soon or I'll end up miserable again.

Feeling Lonely

So after that disaster of a failed relationship that I had a few weeks ago, I have been feeling how lonely I am.  I realized I only have one friend and she is even worse off than I am.  Her loneliness is contageous and the more she complains about being alone, the more I feel it too.  Since she is my only friend I am very reluctant to stop talking to her, but it's a catch 22.  If I ignore the only friend I have I will be lonely.  If I talk to her, I will still feel lonely. 

I realized why that first relationship failed, I was so desperate for it that I forced it.  The guy really isn't a good catch for me.  Yeah he is intelligent and attractive, but he doesn't like kids, he is never around, and isn't that great in bed.  Sounds like a real winner huh?  I think it was more the idea of him that I liked, plus the fact that he is the only guy I really know here.

Tonight my friend invited me to a bachelorette party.  I'm excited about it but worried too.  I don't really know anyone that is going and I'm worried that I'll end up alone all night.  I'm normally a very social person and can make friends quickly but I'm beginning to suspect that my depression is creeping back.  It's not exactly a great situation for me to be in but I'll make the most of it. 

So today is my day off from my wonderful job at Starbucks (note the sarcasm).  My stepdad has been home most of the morning and is driving me crazy.  I can't stand being in the same house as him, let alone the same room.  Alone.  It really upsets me and I am about to go lock myself in my room until he leaves even though it is extremely counter productive to what I need to do today.

I am supposed to finish my girls Halloween costumes today.  I have to sew them!  Keep in mind I have never sewed with a sewing machine before and may just end up doing it by hand if I can't figure it out.  I do need to find some chalk and draw out on the cloth what I want.  I'm so clueless on this stuff I swear.  Oh well, I gotta start somewhere right?

Well, I guess I should go get started.  Honestly, I'm more excited to go to work tomorrow than finish the rest of the day.  Come on weekend so I can work my ass off!

Moved On

So, two days after my last post on here, I lost my job.  Less than a week later I was on a plane to move back in with my parents.  I sold everything I had except for ten small boxes worth of clothes, books, toys and sentimental things.  Ten boxes to start over.  It's sad really.  I had a whole life over there and now I have to start from scratch in a new place with my kids in tow.  Everyone is having a hard time adjusting.  I don't even think I'm the one that is having the hardest time with it.  My oldest daughter is really struggling with school and with behavior.  I think I'm going to have to take her to see a child psychologist.  She has so much anger in her and I'm not sure where it came from.  Maybe the divorce, the bouncing back and forth, the lack of a stable environment?  Who knows.  She is my trouble child right now and I just hope I can get her comfortable and happy.

I have a new job now.  I work at Starbucks as a barista.  It pays barely above minimum wage but without a car payment or rent, I can live off of it.

I met a guy the second week I was here.  He was super cute and we flirted like crazy.  He warned me up front that he didn't want a relationship but I didn't listen.  I ended up totally crazy for him and he started pulling away.  Now he is gone and I feel stupid for trying to make something out of nothing.  I really liked him so it's been difficult getting over him.  I'm on two dating sites but the guys on there are not of a high quality so I'm trying other avenues to meet new people.

Ok, so I guess this wasn't that long of a post but I just don't have the attention right now to focus on what I want to say.  I'll post more later.