I am discovering that I am not quite ready to date. I had a boyfriend for about a month and a half which ended badly and now my heart is telling me that I have found 'the one' but my head is telling me I'm stupid.
Why is it that I am so desperate for someone to love me? Here I am throwing myself at different men trying to get some love into my life. Despite the fact that I know EXACTLY what I'm doing wrong, I can't seem to stop. I'm not sure how to handle this. The selfish part of me wants to keep doing the same thing, scaring away guys by being clingy and overly emotional. The smart part of me knows I should blow off guys all together for a long time.
I'm pretty sure that the reason I keep throwing myself at guys is because I'm seeking positive attention. I want to feel that security I had for nearly a decade. It's a huge shock being single after such a long time in a committed relationship. So now that I know why I'm doing what I'm doing, what should I do?
I'm struggling with the healthy thing for me right now. I barely have time to devote to myself and my kids and here I am trying to bring a guy into the mix. I haven't done any homework, I haven't given my girls the attention they want, I haven't cleaned or done laundry in a while, I am not sleeping. What do I have to do to get through to myself! Why can't I break the habit?
Ok, game plan: Tell the new guy what's going on with me. Avoid men as much as possible. When I get the urge to talk to a guy, spend time with my kids or do homework instead. I think I will continue to see the new guy, but I need to put limits on the amount of time I devote to him. I think one text message conversation a day is enough, maybe one phone call too. One or two days a week together should be enough. Well, let's see how well my plan goes.
Wish me luck. Any advice would be appreciated too!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Single Mom Blues
I had a parent teacher conference today for my kindergardener. She is not doing well in school. I have a feeling that it's all because of the divorce. She misses her dad more than I expected. I already worked out with him that I would take the girls to him this weekend. I think both of them need their dad for a little bit and I definitely need a break.
In other news, I meet with my lawyer tomorrow. I hope that she can help me and that it wont push my divorce date back. I can't stand being married to my ex any longer than I have to.
I have a boyfriend now. It's not a serious relationship yet but I really like him and for some odd reason he really likes me too. Neither of us are seeing anyone else, so we are pretty much exclusive. It's exciting dating again even if I'm only dating one guy. He knows my situation and is comfortable with it for now. We have a lot to work through if this relationship were to get serious. He hasn't met my kids and I don't think I'm ready for that yet either. I'm trying to take it slow and get to know him and let him get to know me. So far, we are pretty much on the same page. I hope he will stick around for a while.
As far as the depression thing goes, I'm definitely going through a rough patch. I feel like crying a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because of my monthly gift that is causing me to be so sentimental or if it's my depression. Maybe it's a combination of both. Now that's scary, depression and PMS all rolled into one. I'm hoping that I can get through this period in one piece!
So to sum it up, my kids are acting up and misbehaving due to the divorce, my emotions are hitting rock bottom, and my dating life is healthy and happy. Well, one out three isn't bad.
Tomorrow is another day.
In other news, I meet with my lawyer tomorrow. I hope that she can help me and that it wont push my divorce date back. I can't stand being married to my ex any longer than I have to.
I have a boyfriend now. It's not a serious relationship yet but I really like him and for some odd reason he really likes me too. Neither of us are seeing anyone else, so we are pretty much exclusive. It's exciting dating again even if I'm only dating one guy. He knows my situation and is comfortable with it for now. We have a lot to work through if this relationship were to get serious. He hasn't met my kids and I don't think I'm ready for that yet either. I'm trying to take it slow and get to know him and let him get to know me. So far, we are pretty much on the same page. I hope he will stick around for a while.
As far as the depression thing goes, I'm definitely going through a rough patch. I feel like crying a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because of my monthly gift that is causing me to be so sentimental or if it's my depression. Maybe it's a combination of both. Now that's scary, depression and PMS all rolled into one. I'm hoping that I can get through this period in one piece!
So to sum it up, my kids are acting up and misbehaving due to the divorce, my emotions are hitting rock bottom, and my dating life is healthy and happy. Well, one out three isn't bad.
Tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
New Year, New Start
To begin, this is a new year. 2011, a time to start fresh, to learn from my mistakes over the past years and to use my knowledge to better myself and my situation. Normally I would just make some lame resolutions and forget about them before I could write them down. This year, thanks to the divorce and the new boyfriend, I vow to become a better person than I was last year. I'm going to do everything I can to prove to myself that I'm not the person who repeats the same mistakes over and over again.
Since this is my first post, it will undoubtedly be the longest. I need to give some sort of background into my life and why this blog is necessary to my new life. I'm currently married, although my divorce should be final in a few weeks. My soon to be ex husband was not the man for me. I take partial blame, I let him walk all over me and I never stood up for myself. I did love him and he did love me. However, his daily mantra of "my way or the highway" finally got me to realize I wanted the highway. I have two beautiful girls from my marriage with him. Evelyn is the oldest at 5. Liliana is my baby at 2. I call them Evie and Lily for short. They are a rambunctious team who can always make me smile and always make me mad. My marriage taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be. It also taught me what I want for myself and what I want for my girls. I have no doubts about what I want now and I have my marriage to thank for that.
As my blog title suggests, this is not just about my divorce. I also suffer from major depression. I had my first diagnosis when I was about 12. My poor mother had the unfortunate luck to be single during my worst times. I admire her for everything she did for me despite the crap I put her through. I am on medication, that I take everyday. It's a big deal if I miss a dose, because I'm on such a high dose that if I miss one it throws me off for a few days. Not to mention, for about a week out of every month I turn into an emotional mess regardless of my medication. It's a struggle to keep myself on the right track but I work hard at it and I'm proud of my progress so far.
The last part of my blog title says that I'm dating. I'll get into that more later. For now just know that I am seeing a guy that I really like. He makes me feel normal. I hope that things go well with him but I'm taking things one day at a time (or trying to at least).
This blog is for me more than anything. It is to document my progress over the next year and see how well I accomplish my goals and handle the three Ds, Divorce, Depression and Dating. I hope by the end of the year to be able to come out of this journey a stronger, healthier, and better person. Wish me luck.
Since this is my first post, it will undoubtedly be the longest. I need to give some sort of background into my life and why this blog is necessary to my new life. I'm currently married, although my divorce should be final in a few weeks. My soon to be ex husband was not the man for me. I take partial blame, I let him walk all over me and I never stood up for myself. I did love him and he did love me. However, his daily mantra of "my way or the highway" finally got me to realize I wanted the highway. I have two beautiful girls from my marriage with him. Evelyn is the oldest at 5. Liliana is my baby at 2. I call them Evie and Lily for short. They are a rambunctious team who can always make me smile and always make me mad. My marriage taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be. It also taught me what I want for myself and what I want for my girls. I have no doubts about what I want now and I have my marriage to thank for that.
As my blog title suggests, this is not just about my divorce. I also suffer from major depression. I had my first diagnosis when I was about 12. My poor mother had the unfortunate luck to be single during my worst times. I admire her for everything she did for me despite the crap I put her through. I am on medication, that I take everyday. It's a big deal if I miss a dose, because I'm on such a high dose that if I miss one it throws me off for a few days. Not to mention, for about a week out of every month I turn into an emotional mess regardless of my medication. It's a struggle to keep myself on the right track but I work hard at it and I'm proud of my progress so far.
The last part of my blog title says that I'm dating. I'll get into that more later. For now just know that I am seeing a guy that I really like. He makes me feel normal. I hope that things go well with him but I'm taking things one day at a time (or trying to at least).
This blog is for me more than anything. It is to document my progress over the next year and see how well I accomplish my goals and handle the three Ds, Divorce, Depression and Dating. I hope by the end of the year to be able to come out of this journey a stronger, healthier, and better person. Wish me luck.
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