Giving It A Try

So, I hate to say it, but I am a very lucky girl.  The last thing on earth I wanted was to be in a relationship, yet here I am. Last time I posted, I was very upset because I thought I couldn't be myself.  Well, thank goodness for the art of communication.  I talked to him and explained my concerns and it turns out everything was just a miscommunication from the beginning.  That was a relief.  So now things are ok. We are taking it day by day and going slow.  I don't talk about our future or make plans further than two months down the road.  We just take things as they come and hope for the best.

In a few days I will be traveling to see him since he lives 600 miles away.  I will be spending ten days with him and I'm really looking forward to it.  Hopefully everything will be wonderful and we can think about doing it again.  Until then, I'm trying to take it slow.

In other news, I'm working on moving out of my parents house finally.  Of course money is the biggest obstacle, but I'm hoping that with my tax return I can afford to get things started.  I know I owe my parents quite a bit of money and plan on helping them out when I can, but my first priority is me.  For now I'm content with my current situation, but that will have to change soon or I will lose my mind.

So the theme for today is slow down and enjoy things as they come.  That has never been easy for me, but I'm willing to work on it and try my best to make things work.  Let's see how this goes.

So Not Ready For This

I messed up. Big time.  I got a boyfriend.  I don't know what I was thinking.  Maybe before I start lamenting on how much of an idiot I am, I should tell the story.

So about three weeks ago I went to this Christmas party my friend was having.  At the time, I had no desire to find a boyfriend.  If you remember, I had given up on men.  I didn't want anything to do with them and was just going to use them like they have used me.  If I needed sex, I was going to find a boy to hook up with, and then dump him.  No strings, no commitment, no drama, no emotions.  It worked great for a while.  So when I went to the party I had no intentions of finding anyone, except maybe a booty call.  However, I met this great guy.  He was funny and charming and sweet, so I invited him to my birthday party the next day.  We exchanged numbers and I went home.  I texted him the next day and he said he couldn't make it because he forgot about something else he was supposed to do.  No biggie, we made plans on meet up two days later.

Here is where I messed up.  We started talking. A Lot.  By a lot, I mean for hours and hours either texting or on the phone.  Every single day.  He made me feel loved and appreciated and wanted.  When we did go on our date, he and I had so much in common, he said all the right things, made me feel special.  Then he said he was a virgin. A 24 year old virgin.  So I offered to take his virginity. And I did. That was my second mistake.

We got real serious real fast and before our first week together he said he loved me and we agreed to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend.  But he lives 600 miles away, a ten hour car drive.  I'm an idiot.  So for the first two weeks of our relationship everything was great.  We talked all the time, when I needed him he was there, everything was wonderful.  Then it wasn't.  One day he stopped answering his phone.  He eventually picked it up again, but that was after my day went bat shit crazy and I nearly broke down.  It was then that I realized I was relying on a man for my happiness yet again.  What was wrong with me? Why did I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?  He is no different than the rest of them.  He is emotionally immature, completely not ready to be in a serious relationship and here we are.  He can't handle that I have two kids.  He isn't even ready to think about the future and I don't blame him!  I'm his first real girlfriend since high school and boy did he hit the baggage jackpot with me.  I have so many issues I don't know where to start.

So now we are at a crossroads.  We had a talk two or three days ago about space.  He needs it, I need a lack of it.  We need two different things, but we tried to come to a consensus.  We will talk on skype once a week on Thursday nights.  He will call once a day between 8pm and 11pm.  If he can't call, he will text me and let me know.  This is the third day we have tried this.  I was fine for a while, but then I realized I'm not even myself anymore.  I'm scared to text him, scared to call.  I'm worried that I will say the wrong thing or do something that will upset him.  I'm even scared to talk to him about it because I don't want to push him away. The whole reason I fell for the guy is because I could be myself and he just thought it was funny or cute.  Now I'm doing everything in my power to NOT be myself.  It's just not working and I"m miserable.  I understand he needs space, but I need attention too.  Not all the time like before, but I have to know that if I text him there wont be reprecussions.  That I can be my insane spontaneous, erratic self and that I wont be punished for it.  What is the point of being in a relationship if I can't be myself?

I will agree that what we had before was excessive and borderline insane.  I will conceed that it was mostly my fault for not stopping this sooner.  Now I need to fix it.  I need to make sure he understands why I'm not happy.  I need for us to figure something out, I need him to hear me and understand my needs.  I need to talk to him, but I don't even know when he will call.

Buddhism

So I think I'm going to take a hint from His Holiness the Dali Lama and learn the art of happiness.  So far I have been doing ok with the men thing.  I haven't cut myself off cold turkey but I'm gradually weaning myself off.

I have this friend in Dallas that I started talking to about 6 months ago.  Just recently we have started talking more, like every day.  He isn't my normal type at all, but he treats me like a princess.  I hope in time that our friendship can potentially grow into something more.  Until then, I have enlisted his help in keeping on the right path.

The Buddhism views interest me.  The idea of inner peace is something I strive for.  I have a "coach" to help me to behave with men.  So far, I'm proud of my progress and I just hope I stay on the right path.

Rethinking my Motivation

I went to get a pedicure today.  All women can understand the true power of pedicure therapy.  Not only are you getting pampered, you tell you worries and fears to the person pampering you.  Usually they give good advice too.  I told her of my problems and she hit the nail on the head.  I am the reason I am unhappy.  She gave me great ideas on how to discover myself.  She told me to take one night and turn off my phone.  I need to enjoy spending time with myself and/or my kids.  I need to spend time working on me and discovering what is causing me to turn to men. 

I appreciate the advice, I just hope I can follow it!  I start tomorrow.

Catch Up

It has been a month since I last wrote.  I basically forgot about this blog for a while.  Things had gotten really busy.  I work between 35-40 hours a week at Starbucks.  I have friends now, more than I did before.  I have a bunch of people I talk to at work, I have a few new friends I have made since I got here, and shockingly, I have a boyfriend now.  We will talk about the boyfriend in a minute.

First, let me say that my girls are adjusting very well now.  The oldest is doing so much better in school, her behavior is slowly improving and she is catching up to the rest of the class much faster than anyone really expected.  I know most of this is due to the huge effort my mother is putting into her.  My mother is a great person and she really didn't have to take on this huge responsibility but she did.  I don't have the emotional fortitude to help my daughter the way she does.  I don't have the patience or the compassion she does either.  I'm very thankful to my mother for what she is doing with my daughter.

The baby is doing well too.  She has become very attached me to since we got here.  It is rather surprising for her, she usually doesn't have such a strong pull to anyone like she does to me lately.  I think she is worried about when she will see me again.  I can't blame her, my schedule is so out of wack that I don't even know when I will see her.  However, despite that, she loves her daycare, she is happy here, and is finally potty training!!! 

Things with the dad are good now too.  He used to be so mean and manipulative.  He would always tell me I was going to hell, that I was evil, that I would get what I deserve, blah blah blah.  I sat him down and told him flat out that both of us need to stop.  We have to work together for the kids, not fight each other every chance we get.  The kids come first, and we have to put our petty differences aside and do what is best for them.  It seemed to work, because now we are civil to each other.  Sometimes he is almost nice!  At least I know that the relationship I have with him is stable enough that we can work together for the best interest of the girls.

Ok, so now the boyfriend.  About a month ago I received a message from this guy on one of the dating sites.  He is not my typical type but at that time I wasn't really looking for anything and thought I would just talk to him and enjoy the conversation, never really expected to meet him in person ever.  After a few weeks of talking, he asked me for my number.  I gave it to him.  We met in person a few days later and he was attractive, we had good chemistry, things went well.  A few weeks of dating went by and then we made it "official".  I think the main reason we did is because I told him I wouldn't have sex with him until I was his girlfriend because I don't want to have sex with more than one person at a time and I expect the same courtesy in return.  After we made things official, we had sex.  He was awful.  We have had sex a few more times since then, things are getting better but they are far far FAR from good.  He has a problem staying hard, which is absolutely ridiculous if you ask me.  I have absolutely NO desire to do it with him again, but if you ignore the problem in the bedroom, he is a great catch.  I just don't know how long I can ignore the problem.  As you have been reading over the past year, sex is VERY important to me and having bad sex is worse than none at all.  I guess it's a waiting game to see how it plays out.  In the meantime, I am keeping my eyes open.

The Blues

So, I almost contacted my ex, the one I wrote about last time.  He isn't even that good in bed but I am getting so desperate for that physical connection that I was going to just throw myself back into that mess.  Thank goodness I stopped myself because that would have just been a train wreck.

I honestly can't figure out why I'm so desperate for a man's attention.  Maybe it's because I have no friends here.  Maybe it's because I am trying to substitute a man for my happiness.  I don't know.  Whatever it is, I need to figure it out soon or I'll end up miserable again.

Feeling Lonely

So after that disaster of a failed relationship that I had a few weeks ago, I have been feeling how lonely I am.  I realized I only have one friend and she is even worse off than I am.  Her loneliness is contageous and the more she complains about being alone, the more I feel it too.  Since she is my only friend I am very reluctant to stop talking to her, but it's a catch 22.  If I ignore the only friend I have I will be lonely.  If I talk to her, I will still feel lonely. 

I realized why that first relationship failed, I was so desperate for it that I forced it.  The guy really isn't a good catch for me.  Yeah he is intelligent and attractive, but he doesn't like kids, he is never around, and isn't that great in bed.  Sounds like a real winner huh?  I think it was more the idea of him that I liked, plus the fact that he is the only guy I really know here.

Tonight my friend invited me to a bachelorette party.  I'm excited about it but worried too.  I don't really know anyone that is going and I'm worried that I'll end up alone all night.  I'm normally a very social person and can make friends quickly but I'm beginning to suspect that my depression is creeping back.  It's not exactly a great situation for me to be in but I'll make the most of it. 

So today is my day off from my wonderful job at Starbucks (note the sarcasm).  My stepdad has been home most of the morning and is driving me crazy.  I can't stand being in the same house as him, let alone the same room.  Alone.  It really upsets me and I am about to go lock myself in my room until he leaves even though it is extremely counter productive to what I need to do today.

I am supposed to finish my girls Halloween costumes today.  I have to sew them!  Keep in mind I have never sewed with a sewing machine before and may just end up doing it by hand if I can't figure it out.  I do need to find some chalk and draw out on the cloth what I want.  I'm so clueless on this stuff I swear.  Oh well, I gotta start somewhere right?

Well, I guess I should go get started.  Honestly, I'm more excited to go to work tomorrow than finish the rest of the day.  Come on weekend so I can work my ass off!