Bad Day

Today is my first really bad day in about two weeks.  I've been so good for such a long time now I thought I wouldn't feel like this again.  I'm not sure what happened.  It started off pretty good.  I got to class and then I got my grade for my test yesterday, not so good.  It started going downhill from there.  I got a terrible headache before I even got to work.  At work, I couldn't concentrate.  I was hungry and tired and my head was killing me.  I took some asprin, drank some water, had some coffee and ate my lunch.  It wasn't completely affective.  Then my boss came to my desk the two times I took a break from working and caught me slacking off.  He made me feel like an ass.  After that it was just too much.  I was too upset to do just about anything.

I'm still at work now, but I just don't even care if my boss catches me.  I'm too upset to care.  I still have to go to school after work for a few minutes and then as soon as I get home I have to do homework.  I think I'm going to do half of it, then take a sleeping pill and just go to bed.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Zoloft

So I'm trying to figure out what is best for my depression medication wise.  I don't quite feel balanced yet.  When I'm on 200mg I lose my sex drive but I still get turned on.  I hate that feeling of getting turned on but not being able to satisfy it.  Also, I feel almost static when I'm on that much medication.  It's like I have no functional feelings.  I hate it.  If I'm sad, I can't cry.  If I'm angry, it comes out violently.  If I'm happy, it's a mulled happy.

I tried going without Zoloft but that's the opposite extreme.  I have too much sex drive.  I cry even when I'm not sad, and I'm a docile anger.  My emotions become a roller coaster but I can feel emotions.

This week I'm going to try and stick to 100mg and see where that goes.  I have a mental health appointment next week so I'll update more then.

Not So Bad

Today went so much better than I anticipated.  I had a few tears, but I kept myself busy and stayed out of trouble.  I miss him.  I doubt it will last much longer.  I realize how toxic he was for me and I'm so much better off without him.  He brought out this crazy person inside of me and I'm really not that psychotic.  I'm thankful for the experience, however, because it helped me to realize what I need right now.  I need to be single.  I need to stay single.  They say that the right guy comes along when you aren't looking.  Hopefully he wont come along any time soon because I REFUSE to date.  I'm going to be celebate for a while so I can figure things out.  FYI, staying celibate is very difficult for me but I can't let my sexual desires hinder my self assessment.

So, I had a good day.  It's the first big step towards a new me.  It only took me six months to figure it out!

Went Too Far

I went too far this time.  I was so upset and so enraged that I just snapped.  I found out that the recent ex-boyfriend had made another account on the dating site we used when we met.  I was so furious.  Here I was hoping we could eventually work things out and he was already moving on and dating other girls.  I did some really stupid things that I regret doing.  I literally turned into a psycho.

Once I realized I went to far, I just stopped.  Instead of trying to fix it (which is impossible), I just stopped.  I deleted all of his friends from my phone, from facebook, from everything I have.  I deleted all of his information too.  I called him one last time and told him that I would put the rest of his stuff in storage and leave the key at the front desk for him.  I just asked that he never contact me again.  Ever.

I'm so sad that it ended like this.  I realize how messed up I really am.  I can't believe the things I said and did.  I don't know why I reacted like that.  I don't know why I always react like that with him.  I'm just glad it's all over.  Now all I have to do is get all of his stuff in the garage and never open it again.

In other news, I need to get out of the house.  Fast.  I'm considering doing a strategic default on my mortgage.  It will save me a lot of money and a lot of time.  This house has too many memories, I feel like this house is the source of all my bad decisions.  I realize that it's not, I just look at it symbolically.  How can I ever feel free to move on with this house as an anchor?

So, in conclusion, I'm not doing so well today.  I think I really hit rock bottom.  Good news about rock bottom, the only way to go is up.....

A Set Back and A Break Through

So yesterday was a big set back for me.  Instead of doing the right thing by finishing my homework and cleaning up the house, I called the ex-boyfriend.  He was working last night and I called him to see if he was coming over for anything because I wanted to be out of the house if he was coming.  He said he wasn't and then I asked the stupidest question, "Do you need anything?"  Of course he said yes and I ended up bringing him my phone charger, dinner, some energy drinks to keep him going, and some cash.  I stayed there for about two hours last night talking to him and his co-worker.  Of course I ended up making a fool of myself and him by talking about our problems.  I feel bad looking back on it.

After I went to take him that stuff I went to a bachelorette party with my friend T.  She wanted me to go earlier but I was too busy bugging the ex to go.  However, I got there right when the stripper came out.....  This was the first time I had ever seen a male stripper before.  Oh wow I got so embarrassed.  He went around the room doing a few dances for each of the girls and I nearly orgasmed when he danced for me!  It was awesome.  After I left I texted the ex.  That didn't go well so when I got home I sent him one last text.  It said something to the effect of, "I realize that I have been stupid to chase after someone who doesn't want me anymore.  This will be my last text to you.  I deleted your number and will not contact you again.  I refuse to put myself through this emotional disaster."  That was about 14 hours ago.  I haven't contacted him and I haven't heard a word from him yet.  This is a big break through for me.  Hopefully I can maintain.  Since I don't have his number anymore, I'm pretty sure it will be easier for me to stay away!

Trying Hard

It's not as easy as I expected it to be without the boyfriend.  I find myself perpetually lonely.  When I got home on Sunday night, I slept by myself but I was too exhausted to care.  I had asked him to leave his key and he did, after he spent the night in the other room without me knowing.  Monday he came over to pack up a suitcase of his stuff and then leave.  He came over and we ended up having sex in shower....  It wasn't planned but I really wanted it.  He left after that and I cried like I always do.  He came back later that night for something while I was already in bed.  I don't remember what he wanted but he ended up staying the night in my bed.  We had sex the next morning before he left for work.  Yesterday was the first day I spent without him.  I texted him three times.  Once to tell him that I noticed he took the key back.  Once to ask him if he was planning on coming over.  The last time was to tell him he had mail at the house.  I called him once yesterday and I was going to beg him to come over but luckily for me he didn't answer and I spent the night alone crying.  I had to take a sleeping pill just to fall asleep.

I texted him this morning to tell him thank you for not answering.  That having him ignore me made it easier for me to be mad at him and move on.  He responded that he wasn't ignoring me.  Whatever.  I'm trying to see past his little manipulations.  I'm trying to focus on school and work and myself.  It's really not easy.  After being in some sort of relationship for almost a decade it's difficult to be alone.  I don't even have my kids here to distract me.  It's just me.  Alone.  It's ok, I will get through this.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.  Today after work I have to stop by school to pick up a book, then I'm off to the community college to enroll in a class for summer 2, then I have to go home and clean up the cat poop in my bathtub (don't ask) and then I have to do homework, cook dinner, and read a chapter in one of my books.  After all of that, I'm taking a sleeping pill and going to bed, no matter what time I'm done.  The less time I'm idle, the less time I have to sit and dwell on him not being there.

Only fifteen minutes left of work today!  I just need this day to hurry up and get over with.  I'm ready for tomorrow to start so I can try to go a whole day without talking to him.  We'll see how that goes.

Single Again

I'm now single again.

I caught the boyfriend in yet another lie and finally called it quits.  He wanted a boys weekend so I left to go visit my girls.  On Friday night I hung out with a friend of mine while he went to go work on a buddie's car.  I found out he wasn't working on the car and didn't work on it at all. I didn't hear from him for over 12 hours and he never came home.  So I left to go visit my girls and I told him that he needed to be out of my house before I got back.  The biggest pet peeve I have is lying.  If you can't tell me the truth, then there is not trust.  If there is no trust, there is no relationship.  So I dumped him.

On a lighter note, I got to spend the weekend with my girls.  Oh how I missed them!  I took a ton of pictures.  They were so much fun to be around.  The baby speaks full sentences and wants to do everything by herself.  The older one loves to make her own decisions.  She likes to decide what she wants.  They wanted to go home with me but I don't have anyone to watch them while I'm at work or school.  I wanted to take them home with me so bad but I had to be rational about it.  I'll be back for them soon.

I hired a cleaning lady to come help me with the house.  Tomorrow my house should finally be clean!  I'm looking forward to having my house clean for the first time in about a month.

So, on to the break-up topic.  He was out of the house when I got home last night but his stuff wasn't.  I asked him to drop off the key and leave.  He stopped by when I was asleep and left the key.  I wish things had been different.  I wish we could still be together, but this is the right thing to do.  I need to be single for a while.  I need to focus on school and getting my girls back.  I will be strong.

On my way back yesterday I knew I was going to take him back if I didn't get him to hate me first.  So I lied to him.  I told him I cheated on him, that I was talking to other guys, that I never loved him, all this stuff to make him hate me.  Of course none of it was true, but how else could I make sure he didn't want me back?  I said so many hurtful things to him.  I'm sure he hates me now, even though I still love him and care about him. It's better this way.  I have to get him out of my life, he is toxic for me right now.  Even his friends all tell me that I'm too good for him.  I hope this doesn't come back and bite me.  I lied to save myself but I feel so guilty about it.  He was just using me and I know it.  So why isn't this easy?  Why does it hurt so much to let him go when I know he was horrible to me?

There is this song that I heard on the radio and it sums up everything for me.  It's by Sara Evans called, "A Little Bit Stronger".  I'm going to listen to it so much that it becomes my anthem.  I will get through this.

Calming Down

Yesterday I had a set back.  I flipped out at the boyfriend again but smoothed things over after about an hour.  So time wise I'm doing better on getting over things faster.  I also downloaded a book on anger management and that Men Are From Mars book too.  I'm hoping to learn how to communicate with him more efficiently.

Today I almost got into another fight with the boyfriend.  Almost.  I was able to stay calm and talk myself down. In fact, I thought of a really great idea to get me through the issue!  I'm proud of myself for making it work.  I also stopped searching for jobs.  There is a career fair coming to my campus in September.  I'm just going to wait until then, update my resume and have a killer interview outfit and hope for the best.

So tomorrow I'm going to go visit my girls in Arizona.  I'm really excited!  I'm going to have to leave super early (at like 5am!) but it will definitely be worth it.  I miss them so much and I can't wait to see them.  I'm going to have to enjoy the little time I have with them this weekend.  My ex says the baby is potty trained already!  Seems like just weeks ago when I watched her take her first steps.  My girls are growing up.

I don't remember if I posted this before or not, but I quit my job.  I quit the one at the strip club.  It just wasn't worth it.  Now that school starts in three days, I'm anxious to get back into a routine that is familiar to me.

That's it for now.  Things are looking up for me today, I hope they stay that way.

Gone Psycho

I'm really not proud to report my disastrous behavior yesterday but since this blog is meant to document my progress this year I can't in good faith omit it.

I looked back over this blog that I have been writing in since the start of 2011.  Nearly six months have passed and I don't really feel like I've made any progress.  I am still struggling with my depression.  Yes, my divorce is final, but there are still issues with my ex.  Don't even get me started on my failed attempts at dating.  In only two weeks I'll have been dating my boyfriend for exactly six months.  What's ironic is that every relationship I've been in that lasted this long has ended in marriage or engagement.  This relationship is different.  Neither of us want to get married.  This exact thing was the fuel to my explosive rant last night which I will detail in a minute.

I'm disappointed in myself.  I have all these blog posts about how I'm going to change and overcome this stupid cycle and yet here I am six months later with no progress.  If anything, I think I have digressed.  I've fallen into the same exact relationship I had with my ex.  I know I'm not ready to change.  It's devastating to realize that I just don't have the motivation or strength in me to change my bad habits.  I have this desperate need for attention that seems to be the root cause of my craziness.  I honestly have no clue how to change.  I know I'm not happy.  I don't really know why.  Luckily I have a mental health appointment at the end of the month.  I'm hoping that it will start there.