Buddhism

So I think I'm going to take a hint from His Holiness the Dali Lama and learn the art of happiness.  So far I have been doing ok with the men thing.  I haven't cut myself off cold turkey but I'm gradually weaning myself off.

I have this friend in Dallas that I started talking to about 6 months ago.  Just recently we have started talking more, like every day.  He isn't my normal type at all, but he treats me like a princess.  I hope in time that our friendship can potentially grow into something more.  Until then, I have enlisted his help in keeping on the right path.

The Buddhism views interest me.  The idea of inner peace is something I strive for.  I have a "coach" to help me to behave with men.  So far, I'm proud of my progress and I just hope I stay on the right path.

Rethinking my Motivation

I went to get a pedicure today.  All women can understand the true power of pedicure therapy.  Not only are you getting pampered, you tell you worries and fears to the person pampering you.  Usually they give good advice too.  I told her of my problems and she hit the nail on the head.  I am the reason I am unhappy.  She gave me great ideas on how to discover myself.  She told me to take one night and turn off my phone.  I need to enjoy spending time with myself and/or my kids.  I need to spend time working on me and discovering what is causing me to turn to men. 

I appreciate the advice, I just hope I can follow it!  I start tomorrow.

Catch Up

It has been a month since I last wrote.  I basically forgot about this blog for a while.  Things had gotten really busy.  I work between 35-40 hours a week at Starbucks.  I have friends now, more than I did before.  I have a bunch of people I talk to at work, I have a few new friends I have made since I got here, and shockingly, I have a boyfriend now.  We will talk about the boyfriend in a minute.

First, let me say that my girls are adjusting very well now.  The oldest is doing so much better in school, her behavior is slowly improving and she is catching up to the rest of the class much faster than anyone really expected.  I know most of this is due to the huge effort my mother is putting into her.  My mother is a great person and she really didn't have to take on this huge responsibility but she did.  I don't have the emotional fortitude to help my daughter the way she does.  I don't have the patience or the compassion she does either.  I'm very thankful to my mother for what she is doing with my daughter.

The baby is doing well too.  She has become very attached me to since we got here.  It is rather surprising for her, she usually doesn't have such a strong pull to anyone like she does to me lately.  I think she is worried about when she will see me again.  I can't blame her, my schedule is so out of wack that I don't even know when I will see her.  However, despite that, she loves her daycare, she is happy here, and is finally potty training!!! 

Things with the dad are good now too.  He used to be so mean and manipulative.  He would always tell me I was going to hell, that I was evil, that I would get what I deserve, blah blah blah.  I sat him down and told him flat out that both of us need to stop.  We have to work together for the kids, not fight each other every chance we get.  The kids come first, and we have to put our petty differences aside and do what is best for them.  It seemed to work, because now we are civil to each other.  Sometimes he is almost nice!  At least I know that the relationship I have with him is stable enough that we can work together for the best interest of the girls.

Ok, so now the boyfriend.  About a month ago I received a message from this guy on one of the dating sites.  He is not my typical type but at that time I wasn't really looking for anything and thought I would just talk to him and enjoy the conversation, never really expected to meet him in person ever.  After a few weeks of talking, he asked me for my number.  I gave it to him.  We met in person a few days later and he was attractive, we had good chemistry, things went well.  A few weeks of dating went by and then we made it "official".  I think the main reason we did is because I told him I wouldn't have sex with him until I was his girlfriend because I don't want to have sex with more than one person at a time and I expect the same courtesy in return.  After we made things official, we had sex.  He was awful.  We have had sex a few more times since then, things are getting better but they are far far FAR from good.  He has a problem staying hard, which is absolutely ridiculous if you ask me.  I have absolutely NO desire to do it with him again, but if you ignore the problem in the bedroom, he is a great catch.  I just don't know how long I can ignore the problem.  As you have been reading over the past year, sex is VERY important to me and having bad sex is worse than none at all.  I guess it's a waiting game to see how it plays out.  In the meantime, I am keeping my eyes open.

The Blues

So, I almost contacted my ex, the one I wrote about last time.  He isn't even that good in bed but I am getting so desperate for that physical connection that I was going to just throw myself back into that mess.  Thank goodness I stopped myself because that would have just been a train wreck.

I honestly can't figure out why I'm so desperate for a man's attention.  Maybe it's because I have no friends here.  Maybe it's because I am trying to substitute a man for my happiness.  I don't know.  Whatever it is, I need to figure it out soon or I'll end up miserable again.

Feeling Lonely

So after that disaster of a failed relationship that I had a few weeks ago, I have been feeling how lonely I am.  I realized I only have one friend and she is even worse off than I am.  Her loneliness is contageous and the more she complains about being alone, the more I feel it too.  Since she is my only friend I am very reluctant to stop talking to her, but it's a catch 22.  If I ignore the only friend I have I will be lonely.  If I talk to her, I will still feel lonely. 

I realized why that first relationship failed, I was so desperate for it that I forced it.  The guy really isn't a good catch for me.  Yeah he is intelligent and attractive, but he doesn't like kids, he is never around, and isn't that great in bed.  Sounds like a real winner huh?  I think it was more the idea of him that I liked, plus the fact that he is the only guy I really know here.

Tonight my friend invited me to a bachelorette party.  I'm excited about it but worried too.  I don't really know anyone that is going and I'm worried that I'll end up alone all night.  I'm normally a very social person and can make friends quickly but I'm beginning to suspect that my depression is creeping back.  It's not exactly a great situation for me to be in but I'll make the most of it. 

So today is my day off from my wonderful job at Starbucks (note the sarcasm).  My stepdad has been home most of the morning and is driving me crazy.  I can't stand being in the same house as him, let alone the same room.  Alone.  It really upsets me and I am about to go lock myself in my room until he leaves even though it is extremely counter productive to what I need to do today.

I am supposed to finish my girls Halloween costumes today.  I have to sew them!  Keep in mind I have never sewed with a sewing machine before and may just end up doing it by hand if I can't figure it out.  I do need to find some chalk and draw out on the cloth what I want.  I'm so clueless on this stuff I swear.  Oh well, I gotta start somewhere right?

Well, I guess I should go get started.  Honestly, I'm more excited to go to work tomorrow than finish the rest of the day.  Come on weekend so I can work my ass off!

Moved On

So, two days after my last post on here, I lost my job.  Less than a week later I was on a plane to move back in with my parents.  I sold everything I had except for ten small boxes worth of clothes, books, toys and sentimental things.  Ten boxes to start over.  It's sad really.  I had a whole life over there and now I have to start from scratch in a new place with my kids in tow.  Everyone is having a hard time adjusting.  I don't even think I'm the one that is having the hardest time with it.  My oldest daughter is really struggling with school and with behavior.  I think I'm going to have to take her to see a child psychologist.  She has so much anger in her and I'm not sure where it came from.  Maybe the divorce, the bouncing back and forth, the lack of a stable environment?  Who knows.  She is my trouble child right now and I just hope I can get her comfortable and happy.

I have a new job now.  I work at Starbucks as a barista.  It pays barely above minimum wage but without a car payment or rent, I can live off of it.

I met a guy the second week I was here.  He was super cute and we flirted like crazy.  He warned me up front that he didn't want a relationship but I didn't listen.  I ended up totally crazy for him and he started pulling away.  Now he is gone and I feel stupid for trying to make something out of nothing.  I really liked him so it's been difficult getting over him.  I'm on two dating sites but the guys on there are not of a high quality so I'm trying other avenues to meet new people.

Ok, so I guess this wasn't that long of a post but I just don't have the attention right now to focus on what I want to say.  I'll post more later.

Money Problems

So, although the rest of my life is in great shape, there is one problem.  Money.  My psycho ex husband is refusing to pay me child support leaving me to contact the attorney general to MAKE him pay.  I'm not exactly thrilled with his behavior and he sent me a nasty email saying that he will not pay child support and that he will take my kids from me as soon as possible.  Lucky for me, the law is on my side.  He would have to prove me incapable of caring for my kids and by the time he gets back from Kuwait, I'll have graduated and he wont have a leg to stand on.  I have primary custody of the kids, he is the one who isn't paying child support.  I'm the one who works three jobs to provide for my kids while going to school full time.  I'm the one who will have the college degree.  Unless he can prove that staying with me will cause the children harm, he wont be able to take them from me.  I'm not worried.  I'm mad, but I'm not worried.

Now, for the big problem.  Money.  I have about $5000 in unpaid bills that are already in collections.  They include my electric bill, two missed house payments, one missed car payment, two missed insurance payments, two missed furniture payments, and other things.  On the first of September I have to pay 4600 just to keep on track and not miss any payments.  Part of that is half of my insurance past due, two furniture payments and two car payments.  I have at most 3600 coming in.  More than likely it will only be 3200.  So I have to pay more than I have coming in to bills.  I have two options.  Option 1:  ask my parents for a loan.  Option 2:  get a payday loan.  Either way is not pleasant or desirable, but it's the only way to stay afloat until my paychecks come in for the other two jobs which I haven't started yet.  Together they will pay about 500 a month, which will cover my car payment.  As soon as I get the child support it will cover my daycare expenses.  The rest of my usual income with cover the remaining of my bills and hopefully I can start paying off the bills in collections.  Yesterday was a very depressing day for me.  I was concerned about my situation but today I'm optimistic about how I'm going to resolve this.  Things will be tight financially for a long time, but once I graduate things will get better.  I can only go up from here.

On Friday I am going to apply for government programs like medicare for the kids, tanf (temporary assistance for needy families) and other programs that will help me get by.I'm also thinking about getting a school loan.  It will suck to pay back, but it will help me get through.  Any other ideas?

Hate is a strong word

I hate my ex husband.  I once loved him, but now I have nothing but hate.  How could the father of my children treat me so badly?  For the past few weeks he has been insulting me, saying everything he can think of to hurt me and poison me.  I tried to be the bigger person, I really did.  I didn't ever say anything mean back (ok, maybe once in a while).  Last night was the last straw.  He texted me asking to talk to the girls since he was leaving first thing this morning for Kuwait.  At first I didn't want to, but I wanted to do the right thing for the kids so I let them talk to him.  What shocked me was that they were more worried about talking to his girlfriend than to him.  I made a decision last night that I'm not proud of, but I"m sticking to it.  I will NOT let him talk to the girls until he appologizes to me.  I deserve so much more respect than he is giving me.  Until I get an appology, he can forget he has two little girls.  Besides, I found out yesterday from my oldest daughter that his girlfriend is pregnant.  Good for him.  That child will replace the two that he will never see again.  Hate is a strong word for a strong emotion.  I wish it would have been different.  I wish he would have been nicer to me, at least civil, but he couldn't do that.  So now I won, the girls are mine, and I'm never letting him have them again.

Back Again

Guess who is back?  My babies!  My ex husband is off to Kuwait in a few days and the girls are living with me.  I finally have my girls back, for good.  It's not going to be easy juggling two jobs, school, and my beautiful kids, but I will do whatever it takes to make sure they stay with me.  My oldest starts school in less than a week, first grade!  Funny enough, that's the same day I start school at the university.  This is my not my last semester as I had hoped, but my second to last semester.  I will graduate in May.  Nine long months to go and then it will be over.  It's sort of like being pregnant.  I have nine months left, with every month getting more difficult to get through until the end when it all comes to fruition and I get my buddle of joy, my diploma!  Fantastic analogy.

So let's start with a recap.  I am still single, now that the kids are here I wont be dating much either.  So the dating situation is non existant but I really don't mind.  In fact, I think I prefer it this way.  I have more time to devote to my kids and to myself.  I went on a few dates recently, but I don't think there are many options here for me in respect to men.  Due to my location, there are only two types of men available, soldiers and hispanics.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against either, however in respect to my dating options, I don't find either group a good fit.  I've already done the soldier thing.  I'm done with soldiers, in general they are not emotionally available or mentally competent to date me.  With hispanics, the vast cultural differences between myself and them would cause too much friction in a relationship.  At this point in my life I prefer to have a companion/partner that is similar to me in upbringing and values.  That usually would come from someone with my racial background, and someone who was raised in the same part of the country as me.  Someone who was raised like me.  So with limited options for men here, I have very little desire to settle for second rate men.  I will just bid my time and wait until I am ready to relocate.  I hope when I graduate and move that I will relocate to a place where more men will meet my criteria.  Getting into a serious relationship right now is not a good idea anyway knowing that I wont be here for long.  We will see how things go, but I'm fairly sure that dating isn't an option for me.

School starts on Monday for me and my daughter.  I'm excited and anxious.  Excited because I always loved the first day of school and it's the day our routine will start.  Anxious because it's gonna be my daughter's first day and I hope it goes well.  It will be rough the first couple of weeks setting up the routine and getting comfortable and my kids don't do well with change.  It's sad that they have been through so much change in such a short time, it can't be healthy.  However, my main goal is to get them both involved in outside activities.  I'm putting the older one in cheerleading.  ASAP.  She needs a positive outlet.

I would love to write more but I just don't have enough time right now.  I'll write again updates soon.

It's been a while

So much has happened in the last month.  I feel remiss about not writing sooner.  I just don't think I was ready to express the great journey I went on this past month.  I've changed.  Significantly.  I don't know how, or why, or when it all really happened, but I recognize that I am a stronger person now.

So here is the catch up.  I finished off my summer 1 semester with a decent result, one A and one C.  Not impressive but stable.  Instead of taking a class in summer 2, I got to hang out with my girls and spend some quality time with them for three whole weeks.  It was amazing.  I recently rented out my house and they will move in on the 29th.  This way I don't lose the house and mess up my credit.  I moved to the other side of town to a nice apartment that is closer to work and school.  I'm thrilled about it.  It's the new start that I have been looking for.  The ex boyfriend will be moving out by the 27th.  Soon he will be out of my life forever.

Tonight my friend is taking me to Vegas.  We are going to spend five glorious days in Vegas without cell phones, just having fun.  I really need this vacation.  I need some time to relax and enjoy myself before the fall semester starts and the pressure is on.

So, about this transformation of mine.  I feel like I'm free of a dreadful curse.  I no longer need a man's attention.  I'm getting more and more confident in myself and I'm able to be alone now.  The real test will be when the girls are gone, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep this going.  I don't have this insane need to have a man in my life.  I don't feel isolated and lonely without attention.  I am being picky, and I'm taking charge.  I'm creating my own rules and sticking to them.  I don't let anyone push me around anymore.  This new confidence is partly from the ex boyfriend and partly from my friends, and mostly from me.  I'm growing up.  I'm off in the right direction.  Things are starting to fall into place.  The more I step back and let life take it's course, the happier I am.

I got a tattoo last week that reflects my new transformation.  It says "patience" on my left wrist.  It's a constant reminder of what I'm striving towards and how to get there.  I think it will always remind me of where I came from and the hard work it is taking me to become the person I want to be.  I have great hopes that one day I will be the woman I want to be.  Smart, confident, and passionate.  I want those three words to be the words people use to describe me.  Now, they say I talk a lot, I'm impatient, and I would rather not repeat the third.  This will all change.  Patience is the key.

Now, I plan on writing in this blog more often now that I have a direction to follow.  Hopefully it wont be all gloom and doom anymore.  I like this new me and I hope to explore the possibilities it brings me.

Bad Day

Today is my first really bad day in about two weeks.  I've been so good for such a long time now I thought I wouldn't feel like this again.  I'm not sure what happened.  It started off pretty good.  I got to class and then I got my grade for my test yesterday, not so good.  It started going downhill from there.  I got a terrible headache before I even got to work.  At work, I couldn't concentrate.  I was hungry and tired and my head was killing me.  I took some asprin, drank some water, had some coffee and ate my lunch.  It wasn't completely affective.  Then my boss came to my desk the two times I took a break from working and caught me slacking off.  He made me feel like an ass.  After that it was just too much.  I was too upset to do just about anything.

I'm still at work now, but I just don't even care if my boss catches me.  I'm too upset to care.  I still have to go to school after work for a few minutes and then as soon as I get home I have to do homework.  I think I'm going to do half of it, then take a sleeping pill and just go to bed.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Zoloft

So I'm trying to figure out what is best for my depression medication wise.  I don't quite feel balanced yet.  When I'm on 200mg I lose my sex drive but I still get turned on.  I hate that feeling of getting turned on but not being able to satisfy it.  Also, I feel almost static when I'm on that much medication.  It's like I have no functional feelings.  I hate it.  If I'm sad, I can't cry.  If I'm angry, it comes out violently.  If I'm happy, it's a mulled happy.

I tried going without Zoloft but that's the opposite extreme.  I have too much sex drive.  I cry even when I'm not sad, and I'm a docile anger.  My emotions become a roller coaster but I can feel emotions.

This week I'm going to try and stick to 100mg and see where that goes.  I have a mental health appointment next week so I'll update more then.

Not So Bad

Today went so much better than I anticipated.  I had a few tears, but I kept myself busy and stayed out of trouble.  I miss him.  I doubt it will last much longer.  I realize how toxic he was for me and I'm so much better off without him.  He brought out this crazy person inside of me and I'm really not that psychotic.  I'm thankful for the experience, however, because it helped me to realize what I need right now.  I need to be single.  I need to stay single.  They say that the right guy comes along when you aren't looking.  Hopefully he wont come along any time soon because I REFUSE to date.  I'm going to be celebate for a while so I can figure things out.  FYI, staying celibate is very difficult for me but I can't let my sexual desires hinder my self assessment.

So, I had a good day.  It's the first big step towards a new me.  It only took me six months to figure it out!

Went Too Far

I went too far this time.  I was so upset and so enraged that I just snapped.  I found out that the recent ex-boyfriend had made another account on the dating site we used when we met.  I was so furious.  Here I was hoping we could eventually work things out and he was already moving on and dating other girls.  I did some really stupid things that I regret doing.  I literally turned into a psycho.

Once I realized I went to far, I just stopped.  Instead of trying to fix it (which is impossible), I just stopped.  I deleted all of his friends from my phone, from facebook, from everything I have.  I deleted all of his information too.  I called him one last time and told him that I would put the rest of his stuff in storage and leave the key at the front desk for him.  I just asked that he never contact me again.  Ever.

I'm so sad that it ended like this.  I realize how messed up I really am.  I can't believe the things I said and did.  I don't know why I reacted like that.  I don't know why I always react like that with him.  I'm just glad it's all over.  Now all I have to do is get all of his stuff in the garage and never open it again.

In other news, I need to get out of the house.  Fast.  I'm considering doing a strategic default on my mortgage.  It will save me a lot of money and a lot of time.  This house has too many memories, I feel like this house is the source of all my bad decisions.  I realize that it's not, I just look at it symbolically.  How can I ever feel free to move on with this house as an anchor?

So, in conclusion, I'm not doing so well today.  I think I really hit rock bottom.  Good news about rock bottom, the only way to go is up.....

A Set Back and A Break Through

So yesterday was a big set back for me.  Instead of doing the right thing by finishing my homework and cleaning up the house, I called the ex-boyfriend.  He was working last night and I called him to see if he was coming over for anything because I wanted to be out of the house if he was coming.  He said he wasn't and then I asked the stupidest question, "Do you need anything?"  Of course he said yes and I ended up bringing him my phone charger, dinner, some energy drinks to keep him going, and some cash.  I stayed there for about two hours last night talking to him and his co-worker.  Of course I ended up making a fool of myself and him by talking about our problems.  I feel bad looking back on it.

After I went to take him that stuff I went to a bachelorette party with my friend T.  She wanted me to go earlier but I was too busy bugging the ex to go.  However, I got there right when the stripper came out.....  This was the first time I had ever seen a male stripper before.  Oh wow I got so embarrassed.  He went around the room doing a few dances for each of the girls and I nearly orgasmed when he danced for me!  It was awesome.  After I left I texted the ex.  That didn't go well so when I got home I sent him one last text.  It said something to the effect of, "I realize that I have been stupid to chase after someone who doesn't want me anymore.  This will be my last text to you.  I deleted your number and will not contact you again.  I refuse to put myself through this emotional disaster."  That was about 14 hours ago.  I haven't contacted him and I haven't heard a word from him yet.  This is a big break through for me.  Hopefully I can maintain.  Since I don't have his number anymore, I'm pretty sure it will be easier for me to stay away!

Trying Hard

It's not as easy as I expected it to be without the boyfriend.  I find myself perpetually lonely.  When I got home on Sunday night, I slept by myself but I was too exhausted to care.  I had asked him to leave his key and he did, after he spent the night in the other room without me knowing.  Monday he came over to pack up a suitcase of his stuff and then leave.  He came over and we ended up having sex in shower....  It wasn't planned but I really wanted it.  He left after that and I cried like I always do.  He came back later that night for something while I was already in bed.  I don't remember what he wanted but he ended up staying the night in my bed.  We had sex the next morning before he left for work.  Yesterday was the first day I spent without him.  I texted him three times.  Once to tell him that I noticed he took the key back.  Once to ask him if he was planning on coming over.  The last time was to tell him he had mail at the house.  I called him once yesterday and I was going to beg him to come over but luckily for me he didn't answer and I spent the night alone crying.  I had to take a sleeping pill just to fall asleep.

I texted him this morning to tell him thank you for not answering.  That having him ignore me made it easier for me to be mad at him and move on.  He responded that he wasn't ignoring me.  Whatever.  I'm trying to see past his little manipulations.  I'm trying to focus on school and work and myself.  It's really not easy.  After being in some sort of relationship for almost a decade it's difficult to be alone.  I don't even have my kids here to distract me.  It's just me.  Alone.  It's ok, I will get through this.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.  Today after work I have to stop by school to pick up a book, then I'm off to the community college to enroll in a class for summer 2, then I have to go home and clean up the cat poop in my bathtub (don't ask) and then I have to do homework, cook dinner, and read a chapter in one of my books.  After all of that, I'm taking a sleeping pill and going to bed, no matter what time I'm done.  The less time I'm idle, the less time I have to sit and dwell on him not being there.

Only fifteen minutes left of work today!  I just need this day to hurry up and get over with.  I'm ready for tomorrow to start so I can try to go a whole day without talking to him.  We'll see how that goes.

Single Again

I'm now single again.

I caught the boyfriend in yet another lie and finally called it quits.  He wanted a boys weekend so I left to go visit my girls.  On Friday night I hung out with a friend of mine while he went to go work on a buddie's car.  I found out he wasn't working on the car and didn't work on it at all. I didn't hear from him for over 12 hours and he never came home.  So I left to go visit my girls and I told him that he needed to be out of my house before I got back.  The biggest pet peeve I have is lying.  If you can't tell me the truth, then there is not trust.  If there is no trust, there is no relationship.  So I dumped him.

On a lighter note, I got to spend the weekend with my girls.  Oh how I missed them!  I took a ton of pictures.  They were so much fun to be around.  The baby speaks full sentences and wants to do everything by herself.  The older one loves to make her own decisions.  She likes to decide what she wants.  They wanted to go home with me but I don't have anyone to watch them while I'm at work or school.  I wanted to take them home with me so bad but I had to be rational about it.  I'll be back for them soon.

I hired a cleaning lady to come help me with the house.  Tomorrow my house should finally be clean!  I'm looking forward to having my house clean for the first time in about a month.

So, on to the break-up topic.  He was out of the house when I got home last night but his stuff wasn't.  I asked him to drop off the key and leave.  He stopped by when I was asleep and left the key.  I wish things had been different.  I wish we could still be together, but this is the right thing to do.  I need to be single for a while.  I need to focus on school and getting my girls back.  I will be strong.

On my way back yesterday I knew I was going to take him back if I didn't get him to hate me first.  So I lied to him.  I told him I cheated on him, that I was talking to other guys, that I never loved him, all this stuff to make him hate me.  Of course none of it was true, but how else could I make sure he didn't want me back?  I said so many hurtful things to him.  I'm sure he hates me now, even though I still love him and care about him. It's better this way.  I have to get him out of my life, he is toxic for me right now.  Even his friends all tell me that I'm too good for him.  I hope this doesn't come back and bite me.  I lied to save myself but I feel so guilty about it.  He was just using me and I know it.  So why isn't this easy?  Why does it hurt so much to let him go when I know he was horrible to me?

There is this song that I heard on the radio and it sums up everything for me.  It's by Sara Evans called, "A Little Bit Stronger".  I'm going to listen to it so much that it becomes my anthem.  I will get through this.

Calming Down

Yesterday I had a set back.  I flipped out at the boyfriend again but smoothed things over after about an hour.  So time wise I'm doing better on getting over things faster.  I also downloaded a book on anger management and that Men Are From Mars book too.  I'm hoping to learn how to communicate with him more efficiently.

Today I almost got into another fight with the boyfriend.  Almost.  I was able to stay calm and talk myself down. In fact, I thought of a really great idea to get me through the issue!  I'm proud of myself for making it work.  I also stopped searching for jobs.  There is a career fair coming to my campus in September.  I'm just going to wait until then, update my resume and have a killer interview outfit and hope for the best.

So tomorrow I'm going to go visit my girls in Arizona.  I'm really excited!  I'm going to have to leave super early (at like 5am!) but it will definitely be worth it.  I miss them so much and I can't wait to see them.  I'm going to have to enjoy the little time I have with them this weekend.  My ex says the baby is potty trained already!  Seems like just weeks ago when I watched her take her first steps.  My girls are growing up.

I don't remember if I posted this before or not, but I quit my job.  I quit the one at the strip club.  It just wasn't worth it.  Now that school starts in three days, I'm anxious to get back into a routine that is familiar to me.

That's it for now.  Things are looking up for me today, I hope they stay that way.

Gone Psycho

I'm really not proud to report my disastrous behavior yesterday but since this blog is meant to document my progress this year I can't in good faith omit it.

I looked back over this blog that I have been writing in since the start of 2011.  Nearly six months have passed and I don't really feel like I've made any progress.  I am still struggling with my depression.  Yes, my divorce is final, but there are still issues with my ex.  Don't even get me started on my failed attempts at dating.  In only two weeks I'll have been dating my boyfriend for exactly six months.  What's ironic is that every relationship I've been in that lasted this long has ended in marriage or engagement.  This relationship is different.  Neither of us want to get married.  This exact thing was the fuel to my explosive rant last night which I will detail in a minute.

I'm disappointed in myself.  I have all these blog posts about how I'm going to change and overcome this stupid cycle and yet here I am six months later with no progress.  If anything, I think I have digressed.  I've fallen into the same exact relationship I had with my ex.  I know I'm not ready to change.  It's devastating to realize that I just don't have the motivation or strength in me to change my bad habits.  I have this desperate need for attention that seems to be the root cause of my craziness.  I honestly have no clue how to change.  I know I'm not happy.  I don't really know why.  Luckily I have a mental health appointment at the end of the month.  I'm hoping that it will start there.

Feeling Alone

Today has been rough.  I'm going through some nasty Zoloft withdrawals because I keep forgetting to take my medication.  I usually take it in the morning before work but since I have been working two jobs my schedule is all messed up and I am forgetting everything.  I'm so depressed right now and it's no one's fault but mine.

I'm going to quit my second job.  My last day will be Saturday.  Why?  School starts in less than a week and I need all my energy to do well in my classes.  I need to pull up my GPA after last semester so that I can land a good job.  Don't get me wrong, I had fun at the strip club, but I can't do that anymore.  I'll probably do it again on the next big break between semesters just to supplement my income.

I find myself desperately seeking attention now.  I think the reason I enjoy the strip club so much is that I get tons and tons of positive attention from men.  When I go home I get absolutely NO positive attention.  In fact, all I seem to get is negative attention.  Of course I realize I shouldn't be dependent on any type of attention for my own personal happiness but it just gets old hearing nothing but negativity.  Then again, who am I to talk?  It seems all I spew out of my mouth is negative and depressing comments about my life.  I know I have it better than most, but yet I'm not satisfied.  I really am trying to be happy with my lot but it's so hard!!  I wish I could flip a switch and become the person I'm meant to be.  While I'm wishing for things, let me wish for life to be easy!

Ok, enough of my rant today.  It's pathetic to realize that I have nothing but complaints about my life.  I need to do some more soul searching.

Big Fight

I'm having a really tough day today.  Yesterday my phone got cut off and I don't really have any money to pay the bill.  I worked at AT&T yesterday 7.5 hours, then went to the club for 7.5 hours.  I worked a total of 15 hours yesterday.  I slept a total of 1.5 hours before coming in to AT&T this morning for another 7.5 hours.  After this I'm back to another 7.5 hours at the club.  In between, I need to cash my paycheck, pay my phone bill and get the service turned back on, turn in my cable equipment before they charge me for it, make my mini skirt for work with no sewing machine so I have to do it by hand; and I only have 6 hours to do all this and catch some sleep before going in to work.  Needless to say I'm very cranky.

This morning when I got home at 415 I crawled into bed with the boyfriend and I just wanted to cuddle.  He got all pissed off that I woke him up.  I was mad.  How dare he get pissed off that he has to wake up 30 minutes early while I worked my ass off all night on my feet for shitty tips.  I work 15 hours a day with no sleep, he works 8 hours if that.  I realize now that I may have been overreacting, but is it so much to ask for some damn sympathy?

Second and more important news:  I had a big fight with the ex today.  I mentioned that he is thinking about moving back here.  I was talking to him today about it and I asked him why he wouldn't do it.  Anyway, to try and convince him to move here I said it would be better if he moved here so that we could all be in the same area instead of me just taking the girls and leaving.  He was shocked.  I think he actually thought I was going to let him keep them.  I have NO intention of just handing them over to him for good.  They are girls, they need their mom way more than they need their dad.  We got into a huge fight over this and he wants to take custody away from me.  He is refusing to let me talk to the girls or see them.  He said he would call the cops on me if I tried to take them away.  He seems to be forgetting that I have two documents in my favor.  One is the custody agreement and the other is the temporary custody agreement that we wrote stating that he will have TEMPORARY custody until June 2012.  I'm not going to stress about it right now.  The girls are safe, I know they are in good hands and they are not in any danger.  In seven months when I graduate, I will find a good job and start preparing for them to return.  I will sign them up for school, find a pediatrician, get health insurance for them, have everything ready for them to come live with me.  Then, if he does try to fight me, I can show that I provide the better home since I have a steady job that makes way more than his minimum wage job.  I will have everything the girls need to be happy and healthy.  If he tries to take me to court I will remind him that I have two documents in my favor, plus the fact that I have a better living situation, along with the fact that he has a faulty CPS claim against me, and on top of that, I"M THE MOM!!  I'm not worried.  He doesn't have the money to take me to court and he knows he wont win.

I never thought I would have these problems with him.  He is such a good dad, I should have expected him to put up a fight.  He loves those girls more than anything.  I'm willing to give up my dreams to stay here and keep us all in the same town, he needs to meet me half way.  I refuse to make all the sacrifices anymore.  If he doesn't move here, I'm taking the girls wherever my job is and he will have to deal with it.

This is not a good day.  I am so overwhelmed I dont know what to do.

Exhausted

After starting my new job on Friday night, I've gotten very little sleep.  I don't work tonight, thank goodness, but I am at my other job right now pulling a six hour shift.  Ironicly, I enjoy working at a strip club so much more than I like working at my day time job.  I can't stand my daytime job.  It's boring, the boss is an ass, and I have no appreciation for what I do.  What I love about the strip club job is that I get to interact with people all night.  I'm not stuck in a cubicle isolated from the rest of the world.  I can be myself at my other job.  I spent Friday night at work drinking and dancing to good music, talking to different people all night, and enjoying myself.  I loved it.  I'm thankful that I don't have to go to school for two more weeks so I can try to adjust to not sleeping at night.  I did the math (go figure) today about when I would have time to sleep and when I would have time to study.  Here is my schedule:

Monday:  School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Sleep and study from 6pm-
Tuesday:  School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Sleep and study 6-8 Work 9-4am club
Wednesday:  repeat Tuesday
Thursday: School from 9-1130 Work from 12-5 AT&T Work 8-4am club
Friday:  School from 9-1130 Sleep and study 12-6 Work 8-5am club
Saturday: Sleep and study 6am-6pm Work 8-5am club
Sunday:  Sleep and study 6am-

So pretty much in summary, no sleep on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.  I can catch up on Saturday morning, Sunday, and Monday night.  How is this going to work?  No idea.  The above schedule is only good for one month then it changes slightly but not significantly enough to give me more time to sleep.  The only difference is that I will work at AT&T 7am-11am M-F and School 11-3pm M-F and the club schedule will stay the same.  So if anything, I will probably get less sleep.  However, that second schedule will only be for a month.

In the fall (ie August) I will have to quit one of my two jobs.  There is no way I can maintain a full time job, a part time job, and a full time school schedule at the same time and still manage to get good grades.  One job will have to go, not sure which one yet.  Honestly, it will probably be AT&T because of my school schedule.  It will be difficult for me to juggle work and school during the day.

Also, I have managed to somehow gain ten pounds.  I'm not thrilled at all.  I don't know how I did it.  Well, it's time to fix that.  Starting in two days I go on a special diet.  I get paid from the strip club tomorrow and I'll use the cash to buy healthy food.  I'm going to have to make the boyfriend cook since I will not have enough time to cook most days, let alone sleep!  I will make healthy snacks and keep myself from indulging in junk food.  Luckily, I have two days to pig out first!!  By the end of these two days I'll be so sick of junk food that going on the diet will be easy.

I talked to the ex today.  He plans on moving back to town.  I think it's great.  The kids will be here and they will get to have both parents in the same city.  He wants to take the house, which is great because I wont have to pay the outrageous mortgage on that thing anymore.  If he does move back, I plan on getting a job nearby after graduation and going to grad school for Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering.  Maybe I can even get my new job to pay for grad school.  You never know!  I'm getting a head of myself though.  He only had the idea and wanted to run it by me.  I have no problem with it and I really hope that he moves back.  It will make my life so much easier!  I miss my kids so much and I know I wont have the time or ability to take care of them if there were here, but at least I would get to see them.  Once I graduate in 201 days (yes, I counted), I wouldn't want to just take the kids from him and hurt all of them.  I swear I think my ex would die if I just took them away from him.  He is a great guy, a terrible husband, but a really great dad.  He loves the kids more than I could ever ask, probably more than I do.  I don't want to hurt him by just taking them and leaving.  I don't want to confuse the girls either.  It's really sad to think how difficult this will be.  When my parents got divorced I didn't really care if I ever saw my dad again.  To this day, if my dad died I wouldn't even go to his funeral.  My kids have such an awesome relationship with their dad, one that I've never had.  I can't imagine what it would be like for them to miss him.

Second Job and a Game Plan

So today I didn't do as well as I had hoped.  I resorted back to old habits for the first part of the day.  I think it's due to my lack of Zoloft, because I broke down in tears this morning over my financial situation. Reflecting back on this morning, I'm sure it was the Zoloft withdrawal that caused my relapse.  However, after I calmed down and started the day I was able to maintain my new persona and mantra of learning to be alone.  It was harder today than I expected, but for the most part I'm doing ok.  Tomorrow I'll do better, I have a game plan.  I realized today how important it is for me to have a game plan, it keeps me grounded even if I know it will not come to fruition. 

I had a little to do list for today and tomorrow since I have these two days off of work.  I accomplished half of my tasks today, the other half I will hopefully take care of tomorrow.  I got a second job today.  I'm not sure when it will start, but I'm now a waitress at a local strip club.  It's not a job I'm proud of, but the extra income will be enough to get me out of the red.  I was worried about how the boyfriend would react, but he said he is ok with it as long as I'm not a dancer.  So what if I wear tight clothes and flirt with guys that may occassionally try to grab at me, how is that different from going out to a club?  The difference is I will get PAID to do it.  Those same guys that will try to grab at me will also pay me, so I don't mind.

The other big topic is that I did a lot of research today regarding my future.  Unfortunately for me, it's not all good news.  The best part is, that after I graduate in December I will be applying to grad school to pursue my PhD in Physics.  Yes, that's right, I said PHD!!!  I can actually skip over the Masters and go directly into school for my PhD.  However, I need to study for the GRE and the Physics GRE.  The GRE is relatively easy, almost like the ASVAB (the test you have to take to enter the armed forces).  However, it is the same amount of questions only with less time so it's significantly harder.  The Physics GRE is much much harder and is only given three times a year.  Hopefully I can take it before I graduate.

The second part of that topic is that I have a general plan for how to get into grad school.  First priority is to find a job.  I can't start going to grad school until I have someone to help me pay for it!  In September my school is having a career fair.  This is the key to my success.  They do on site interviews and if I can get them to interview, I know I will get job offers.  I'm going to take the best job offer I get, regardless of the location.  It's only an entry level job, I can only go up.  I will not be able to get my perfect job starting out, so I will settle for something that I love to do even if it's not in the right location.

So I know this has been a lengthy post, but a lot has happened to me and I needed to get it all out!  Oh, and the boyfriend was upset with me today.  Apparantly my posts on facebook are getting back to him.  I have a lot of his friends as my facebook friends, and I guess they misinterpreted what I was posting.  I would comment about my dismal financial situation and my problems and I guess what I was posting caused his friends to question him about it.  My mistakes are my fault and only mine.  I have no one to blame for my financial or emotional problems but myself.  I posted that on facebook, hopefully things will get better.  If not, I will just have to delete his friends from my facebook.  Oh well, we will see if it gets better.

Day One

So Day One of my new epiphany.  Yesterday I did really well.  I told the boyfriend that I wanted to start over.  Neither of us will bring up the past, and we are going to start over fresh.  I don't know how well it will work but at least it's an attempt to get a clean slate.  I didn't go fishing for attention from anyone.  Today, I stopped myself from doing too much with that.  I did a little bit of fishing for attention but I think I'm set for the rest of the day.  I don't have the urge to create any drama right now.  When I get off of work today, I plan on going home and relaxing.  I will clean up the kitchen, cook a new dish that I've done before, and play some COD to unwind.  Tomorrow I have a lot of things I need to do, hopefully I can get it all done.

I ran out of my Zoloft today.  I'm hoping that the huge chemical inbalance that will be caused from missing my medication wont affect me too much. 

I was going to pick up my kids next weekend for memorial weekend, five whole days with them.  Unfortunately being almost $800 in the hole means I can't go get my kids.  I can afford to buy groceries, I can't afford to pay my bills, I can't afford anything right now.  I hate not being able to keep my old standard of living.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck and always wondering if I have enough to make it through the week.  I get paid in two days and then I'll still be $200 in the hole with at least $300 worth of bills due.  I just can't catch up.  I'm thinking about calling my mortgage company and asking them if I can skip a payment.  I've been current on every single payment since 2007, I hope they will cut me some slack.  That's on my list of things to do tomorrow.

Learn to Be Alone

Ok, so since I've started this blog I've had little epiphanies every other week.  I guess this is the newest one.  However, this one seems to resonate more than the others.  I think I have finally found the route cause of all my distress.  I don't know how to be alone.  I've been in a relationship of some sort for the past decade, rarely have I been on my own.  Now that the divorce is final, the kids are living with their dad, and I have nothing but myself here (besides the boyfriend), I am reaching out to everyone with all the drama I can come up with just to stay in contact.  It backfired, and now no one wants to talk to me because I have too much drama.  I really need to learn how to be alone.  I need to learn how to go through things without talking to someone all day.  I will start small.  I will not initiate texts with anyone, especially not the boyfriend.  If someone does text me, I will not divulge personal information beyond the superficial.  With that, once I get comfortable with those barriers, I'll move on to facebook and then to other capacities where I go too far.  Once I put up those barriers, I can really start to explore myself and figure out what makes me happy.  Hopefully this works.  If not, at least I can stop pushing my friends away with all my drama.

Wish me luck.

Finals

It is finals week here for us college students.  I took two finals today and I have one more tomorrow.  My back and neck are killing me from crouching over books and stressing out over the tests.  Last night I was up until 3 in the morning but not studying, I just couldn't sleep.  I had gotten coffee to keep me awake to study but I couldn't focus on math so I went to bed but I got right back up.  So now, it's 7pm and I already took two sleeping pills and bayer back and body to try and relax.  Tomorrow's final doesn't do much more than guarantee I get my C so I'm not stressing over it.  However, my body is fighting the stress and anxiety.  Thank goodness for Zoloft or I might not be getting through this so well.

Speaking of Zoloft, I learned a tough lesson last night.  My sex drive dissappeared.  I went from being able to cum on command to struggling to stay turned on.  I tried to have sex with my boyfriend last night but I just couldn't get into it.  I have no desire for sex now, I just want to cuddle, nothing more.  Now that the sex is not part of the relationship, I wonder how it will evolve from here.  However, since this is a temporary relationship, I'm not too worried.  I will be moving in 7 months to my new job (wherever it may be!) and he will have to decide if he wants to come with me or not, cause i'm not going to put my life on hold for him.

Speaking of my life, I'm clueless what to do with it.  I'm debating about what I want to do and how I want to pursue the rest of my education.  Do I want to bust my butt and graduate in December or take it easy and struggle financially until next May?  How will relocating around the holidays affect everything?

My back is killing me.  I'll post more later.

Introspection

Looking back on my blog I realized that I wrote a lot about blame.  I blamed everything on someone or something else like my depression, my boyfriend, my stress, all of it were just excuses for my bad behavior.  Now that I am back on my Zoloft, I'm starting to think clearly again.  I realize how psychotic I have been towards my boyfriend.  I have blown up over stupid stuff and took jokes seriously.  In fact, today at work I truly realized how crazy I have been.  A co-worker said something that was obviously meant to be taken with a grain of salt but I took it to heart.  She told me that I need to lighten up and learn how to take a joke.  It hit me.  Half of the problems in my budding romance stem from my insecurities.  I also cause almost all the fights and I'm too eager to jump to conclusions.  I have no trust, despite the fact that he really hasn't done much for me to not trust him.  I'm so eager to pass the blame and point the finger that I don't really see what is going on with me.  So now I have a goal.  A real goal.  I'm going to work on my insecurities.  I need to build myself up.  I let my ex bring me down, and now I'm struggling to climb out of the hole.  Well, it starts now.  No more insecurities, no more self deprecation or doubt.  I need to listen to my heart and be strong.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.  These are the biggest demons I've ever come up against.

Running In Circles

I'm such a chicken.  You know when you know something is bad for you but you just keep doing it anyway?  For example, you know that eating a huge piece of chocolate cake at midnight is just going to make you gain five pounds overnight but you eat it anyway?  Or you know that your monthly trip to the spa that you can't afford is causing huge debts but you can't seem to give it up?  That's kind of like my relationship I'm in right now. 

Problem one, I'm not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship but I pursue it anyway.  I know full well I'm not capable of having a healthy relationship right now.  So why the heck do I have a live in boyfriend? 

Problem two, I picked the one guy that isn't emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship either.  He is probably the one person even worse off than I am, and he's the one I picked. 

Solution?  Get rid of him.  The probability that either of us will break up with the other?  0.  So, knowing full well that this relationship is toxic and will lead us nowhere, I still stay.  We fight every day, or at least every other day.  I'm jealous, possesive, and angry all the time.  He is closed up tighter than a 100 year old bottle of wine.  I'm going to try and have him stay somewhere else for a week.  I would really like some time alone to just be myself for a while.  I'd like to see what I would do with all that alone time.  If I find that I don't really miss him, then I have my answer.  We just moved too fast.  Now I need to get out.  Fast.

Confused

I'm confused.

I find that I am not seizing the day.  Carpe Diem is lost on me.  I think the big problem for me is that I don't have a focus.  I don't have a goal.  I spend my day trying to juggle what life I want to live.  Do I want to cut corners and have fun while I can?  Or do I want to do my best at work and school and give my full attention to it?

It's either dedicate myself to school and work, or enjoy life and relax.  It's scary, because part of me thinks I need a break from everything but the rational part of me realizes I need to make money to support my lifestyle.  I'm wondering if I lose my job, and I cut my expenses, and I focus on just school, will I be happier?  It's something to think about for sure.

School comes first, then work, then play.  Shouldn't it be the other way?  Shouldn't play come first?  I don't know.  I'm confused.  I need a sign.  Which way do I go?

New Job Needed

As much as I hate to be in a financial crisis, I appreciate my happiness more.  On Friday I had a really nasty encounter at work with my boss and I'm pretty sure I'm about to be fired.  However, I am getting conflicting pieces of advice from those who care about me.  Some people say I should quit before I get fired, others say I should appologize to my boss and try to keep my crappy job, others say I should just go in to work and pretend it never happened. I go back to work tomorrow so I'm anxious to see what I will decide to do.  However, I am now actively searching for a new job.

Ok, so this weekend was a revelation to me.  I love how when I get to a huge impacting event it comes in threes.  My post the other day about cutting the fat was very reflective of me.  This weekend something similar happened.  I was told not by one person, but three, (one in a blog response!!) that I need to do what is best for ME and no one else.  It's true, I've been living for everyone else but me.  It's very strange realizing that I am not really in control of my life despite the fact that I need to be.  I refuse to let myself get swept away again.  Multiple times this weekend people have told me that I need to think for myself and do what makes ME happy.  The only problem - I have no idea what will make me happy.  I'm trying to reflect on my current situation and see where I want to be in five years.  However, it's not that easy.  I can picture what I want to be doing, but I have no idea how to get there!!!!  I would love to work at NASA designing missile systems in a team of engineers and building rockets.  How do I do it?  What can I do now to ensure I get there?  Step one- don't get fired.  Ok, so that was easy.  Step two - graduate.  Ok, not so easy but I'm working on it.  Step three - get experience with rockets.  That's the key!  I need experience building rockets!  Ok, but how do I get that?  Internships?  Graduate research??  Time for me to start figuring out where I can get that kind of experience.  Step four - get letters of recommendation.  Fairly easy, I need to approach a few professors for that but I'm sure I can pull it off.  Step five - build up a good resume.  That's gonna take time and effort on my part that I will have to do once I have a break from school.  Step six- once the first five steps are complete, apply to NASA.  I need to get a response from them somehow as to what I need to do better in order to get a position.

Time for class, will post again later.

Life is not an equation

Being a mathematician, I often think of things in numbers and formulas.  However, a buddy of mine pointed out that life cannot fit into an equation.  I can't perform LaPlace transformations or Bessel fuctions or Euler formulas to figure out the right answer to life.  It drives me crazy knowing that I can't solve my problems with a formula.  This week I've had so many people ask me about my future.  When am I going to graduate?  What am I planning to do after I graduate?  Do I plan on staying here?  Am I going to sell my house?  Am I going to stay with my boyfriend after I graduate?  Am I going to graduate school?  If so, for what and where?  Why can't I just figure it all out?

I hate not knowing what my future holds.  People that know me think that I'm crazy because I like to have a plan in place for the next ten years.  I am fully aware of the fact that my plan will change all the time because things change.  I just like having a plan, even if it doesn't work out.  After my nervous breakdown a little while ago, I can't even fathom the future anymore.  I have to take it day by day now.  Yesterday my boss asked me when I was going to graduate and I told him I don't know.  He asked me if I wanted to stay in my current location, I told him I don't know.  He asked me what I wanted to do when I graduate, I told him I don't know.  I'm not lying, I really have no idea what I want to do now.  I know I want to go to graduate school for Physics, but I don't know when or where.  I know I want to get a full time job after I graduate doing something I am passionate about but again, no specifics.  Other than that, I'm clueless.

I'm appreciative of my nervous breakdown.  It was an eye opener for me.  I was trying to plug life into an equation that doesn't exist.  I was creating my own anxiety and disfunction and blaming it on my circumstances.  I am no where near being better, but they say that knowledge is power.  The first step is admitting there is a problem.  The problem for me is that I create my own hostile environment.  Now I take each day at a time.  I get side tracked trying to plan things every once in a while but I try and create a healthy balance.  Everyday I balance work, school, and fun.  Once the semester is over, I'm going to try and catch up on the fun.  I'm going to take a trip, catch up on my reading, and learn to love myself for who I am.

Until I can find my true calling, I will never be fully happy.  However, being on the road to finding it is the most important thing I can do right now.  Hopefully soon I will figure it all out, but if not I'm going to make sure I can handle everyday that comes next.

It's been a while

So today is a really bad day for me.  I'm at school right now in between classes.  I had three tests in the past 48 hours and I probably failed them all.  School is driving me crazy, there are only two weeks left in the semester and I haven't prepared for any of my final exams coming up.  At this point I really don't care.  I don't graduate until Spring 2012, which really irks me.  On top of that, I can't stand my job but I can't find another one that pays as well.  I hate to admit that I need my job even though I loathe going to work everyday.  I'm half tempted to become a stripper, cut off all my luxury like cable, internet and my coffee fix.

I'm a believer that if you are not happy, there are easy ways to fix that.  It's called cutting the fat.  My job makes me miserable.  My school makes me stressed and my boyfriend of three months is not cutting it.

So besides my disgust for my job, I am struggling in school.  I think because I'm not happy at my job, it effects everything else in my life too.  I used to love school, but lately with everything else going on, I don't have the same passion I used to.  I want to find a job doing something I love.  The problem is, most jobs require a degree, which I wont have for another year!!!  I'm going to keep looking though.

Ok, so now the boyfriend.  I should have gotten rid of him a long time ago.  Don't get me wrong, I care about him a lot.  I just don't need the added stress of a relationship right now.  He moved in with me, so everyday I go home to him.  At first it was great, but now the problems are starting.  I'm beginning to see things I don't like.  For example, his birthday was a few weeks ago and I spoiled him like I have never spoiled anyone before.  He got everything and anything he wanted, it was a week long celebration.  Now, he expects to be pampered.  I have problems with that.  When we started talking I told him that I wanted to be spoiled.  I wanted to be treated like a princess.  What has he done for me?  Not much.  He paid for dinner a few times, he cuddled with me a couple nights, he cleaned the house once in a while, but other than that, nothing.  I'm not asking for material things.  I want to be taken care of emotionally.  He doesn't do that.  He never tells me he cares, he doesn't hug me or even give me much foreplay for sex.  I feel like he is using me to get what he wants, and he wants a sugar momma.  I'm ready to cut him off and move on.  I really do need to be single for a while.  Why can't I just get rid of him?  Easy, because I really care about him.  I enjoy spending time with him, he makes me happy.  He just doesn't give me enough.

Only time will tell.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm just trying to get through each hour in one piece.  I really need to publish more in this blog.  The more I write, the better I feel.  I'll be back soon.

Major Changes

Well, today is my last full day with my kids.  *Insert Shocked Face Here*  A few weeks ago I was talking to my ex about the kids.  The oldest is having such a hard time in school and the baby just wants attention.  With my time already taken by work and school and then homework and maintaining the house I just never had time to give to my kids even when I made time.  I asked him if he wanted to take the kids until I graduate from school and get a good job.  Surprisingly he was super happy about it.  He is coming tomorrow to pick up the girls and the next day he will be packing all of their stuff and leaving.  I'm so heartbroken about this.  I am trying not to let my emotions and pride get in the way of the best thing for my kids.  They are going to be so much happier with him.  He can give them all the attention they want between their dad, their brother, their dad's live in girlfriend, their cousins and god-mother, and the huge support system he has over there.  He has a part time job and can pick them up from school, drop them off at school, do homework with them, feed them homecooked meals (instead of chicken nuggets and hotdogs everynight), and take care of them better.  I have spent so much time crying and trying to remember why I'm doing this.  It's so painful to know that this is my last full day with them.  I wont get to spend another night with them for a while.  I miss them already!!

I don't know if it was to compensate for losing the girls, but I got two cats.  Big mistake.  They are even more trouble than the kids!  Hopefully they will keep me company when I need someone to cuddle with me.

The roommates did move out and when they left they took about $500 worth of my stuff with them.  They left my house a disaster and didn't clean up anything.  They didn't even vaccuum their room.  I spent about 24 hours cleaning my house to make up for the mess they left.  Every day I find more and more stuff that they took from me.  I want to get mad but I just don't have the energy to bother.  It's more trouble to try and get it back and I'd rather just replace it anyway.

Two days ago my house was taken off the market.  No, I didn't sell it, the contract was finished.  My realtor was horrible but luckily a realtor called me the next day asking if he could put my house on the market and try and sell it.  I agreed.  So here goes my house back on the market, hopefully this time it sells.  With this new guy I should get a lot more views.  Thank goodness, I need to get out of the house asap.

This would be about the time I mention the current dating situation.  It's so messed up right now that I just don't want to get into it.  When things become a little easier to deal with I'll elaborate.  Until then, it's just more drama to add to my pile.

Let's see what the next few weeks bring.

Starting Again

I am divorced.  It was official on Friday.  Thanks to my disasterous weekend and my terrible depression that hit me I forgot to mention it.  However, it's a new day, it's a new chance to start over.  I'm going to try and think of this as an opportunity to do what makes me happy.

I got back with the new guy that had dumped me.  He never really dumped me, I had just assumed it was over.  It turns out it wasn't so much my clingy behavior that freaked him out, it was the fact that I was letting what everyone else said about us ruin what we had.  I'm not doing that anymore.  We are going to do things according to us and no one else.  If they don't like it, too bad.  He makes me happy and I really think I could fall in love with him.  He's not perfect by any sense of the word and he has huge red flags but when I'm with him I don't really care.  Our relationship is going to be about fun.  As soon as things start to go bad, we will call it quits and move on.  Until then, I'm not gonna make this into something it's not.

So my ex (yay!  he is officially my ex!) is coming on Thursday night for the girls.  I'm pretty sure he is going to be staying the night but honestly I don't even care.  As long as he doesn't try anything with me it will all be ok.  He is going to drop off a lot of things that I accidentally gave him before the divorce and he will be picking up a few things that I forgot to give him.  It's not that big of a deal, as long as everything works out I don't really mind that he stays the night.  He will be leaving Friday and I will have all day Saturday and Sunday to myself to do school work and relax.  I'm actually really excited.  I honestly don't care if I see new guy this weekend.  I just want to catch up on everything and have fun.

Oh, the roommates are moving out this weekend.  I'm not sure how that is going to work but I'm kinda excited to have my house all to myself again.  I can do things my way.  I can keep the house clean, I can do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to worry about them leaving the lights on all night or not locking the door when they leave or their dogs destroying my house, or anything else that comes with roommates.  I will miss the extra income but it's not worth it.

So now is the start of my new life.  I'm finally divorced, I have my life going in a decent direction, and I've given up on trying to plan for my future.  I just need to take things one day at a time and go from there.  I need to focus more on school and my kids before I worry about boys.  I need to take care of me before I take care of anyone else.  I need to stand up for what I want and stop letting people take advantage of me.  I love this song that Michael Buble sings, "it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, and I'm feeling good!".

I'm feeling good.

Dating Disaster

So I was right about the new guy.  He called me and texted me and I went right back into my old routine.  I became clingy and emotional and he hated it.  He came over on Friday to spend the night but it didn't feel right.  Nothing about him feels right.  I really think I should just cut my losses and move on.  Unfortunately, I deleted his number and I have no intention of going over to his house to break up with him.  Plus, he has my stuff at his place and I have his stuff here.  See, here I go making excuses as to why I can't break up with him.  I need to get him out of my life and stay single for a while.  I'm so scared of being alone.

My roommates are moving out next weekend.  When they leave, I'll be completely alone with the girls.  I know that I'm going to be doing stupid things like trying to meet guys or letting my depression get the best of me.  I never learn. You know, I actually had a dream last night that new guy told me he loved me.  It's stuck in my head now.  Even my dreams are sabotaging my head.

I want to stay in bed all day.  I want to sleep until I'm normal again.  I want to run far far away from all my problems and never have to deal with them again.  I can't keep running from my problems but I don't know how to face it without getting hurt again.  Normally once I start writing I get an idea on how to fix things, even if it doesn't work out  at least I end up with a plan.  Today I don't have a plan.  I'm so confused and exhausted.  What the heck do I do?  What is the answer?  What is the solution?  I don't think I've ever been so lost before.

Back with a Vengence

So I thought I was ok.  I had been for a while but it suddenly hit me like a brick wall.  My depression is back and it's on a rampage.  Today for the first time in a long time I actually thought about suicide.  Of course I'm strong enough to know that I would never do that to my beautiful girls.  Honestly, those girls are the only reason I'm still here.  If I didn't know that I need to go pick them up from daycare and take them home and give them a bath and cook and cuddle with them, I swear I would do something stupid.  I'm at work right now doing the one big no-no, not working, but I can't not write down what's going on right now.  If I don't write it down I'm going to go right up to the fourth floor and jump off.

There is nothing special about today.  Maybe the fact that I just got my period today, I forgot to take my depression medication, and I'm stressed out is causing this severe relapse.  Maybe it's because I'm trying to do too much with my life right now.  I hate my job.  I REALLY hate my job.  I hate it so much I'm thinking about quitting and getting a job as a stripper.  It pays better, I would like it better, and I wouldn't have to drive myself crazy everyday.  OMG I can't believe I'm actually thinking about becoming a stripper.  I think this job is really dragging me down.  I'm gonna have to find a new job.  I just can't take it here.  It's not a bad job.  They pay me well for minimal work but I just hate it here.  It's a great job for someone else, not for me.

I deleted the new guy's number today.  I was getting in way over my head with him.  I was ready for him to move in, I was gonna buy him a car, I was spending too much time devoted to him.  It wasn't healthy.  I cut myself off from him.  I know he will call or text me later, and I'll still talk to him.  Just the fact that his number is off my phone and I have no way of contacting him makes me feel better.  I feel more in control.  Maybe that's my problem, I feel like I have no control.  I really need to talk to my mom.  I should be brutally honest with her, so she can give me logical reasons why I feel like this.  I need direction, I need to go in the right direction.  I can't keep going in the wrong direction all the time.  God, I'm getting old, I need to start going down the right path but what the hell is it?  I feel so lost, so confused all the time.  It's not just the damn depression, there has to be something else going on to cause me to feel so lost.

 Ok, I have a plan.  This weekend, my ex is taking the girls.  I'm going to go out of town.  I can't afford to, but I need to.  I need to get out of the house, away from my roommates.  I need to get out of town, away from all the things that are stressing me out.  The sooner I can get out of town, the better.  I know I can't keep running, but maybe by getting out of town I can get a new perspective on what I'm doing wrong with my life.

We shall see what happens next.

Dating Drama

I am discovering that I am not quite ready to date.  I had a boyfriend for about a month and a half which ended badly and now my heart is telling me that I have found 'the one' but my head is telling me I'm stupid.

Why is it that I am so desperate for someone to love me?  Here I am throwing myself at different men trying to get some love into my life.  Despite the fact that I know EXACTLY what I'm doing wrong, I can't seem to stop.  I'm not sure how to handle this.  The selfish part of me wants to keep doing the same thing, scaring away guys by being clingy and overly emotional.  The smart part of me knows I should blow off guys all together for a long time.

I'm pretty sure that the reason I keep throwing myself at guys is because I'm seeking positive attention.  I want to feel that security I had for nearly a decade.  It's a huge shock being single after such a long time in a committed relationship.  So now that I know why I'm doing what I'm doing, what should I do?

I'm struggling with the healthy thing for me right now.  I barely have time to devote to myself and my kids and here I am trying to bring a guy into the mix.  I haven't done any homework, I haven't given my girls the attention they want, I haven't cleaned or done laundry in a while, I am not sleeping.  What do I have to do to get through to myself!  Why can't I break the habit?

Ok, game plan:  Tell the new guy what's going on with me.  Avoid men as much as possible.  When I get the urge to talk to a guy, spend time with my kids or do homework instead.  I think I will continue to see the new guy, but I need to put limits on the amount of time I devote to him.  I think one text message conversation a day is enough, maybe one phone call too.  One or two days a week together should be enough.  Well, let's see how well my plan goes.

Wish me luck.  Any advice would be appreciated too!

Single Mom Blues

I had a parent teacher conference today for my kindergardener.  She is not doing well in school.  I have a feeling that it's all because of the divorce.  She misses her dad more than I expected.  I already worked out with him that I would take the girls to him this weekend.  I think both of them need their dad for a little bit and I definitely need a break.

In other news, I meet with my lawyer tomorrow.  I hope that she can help me and that it wont push my divorce date back.  I can't stand being married to my ex any longer than I have to.

I have a boyfriend now.  It's not a serious relationship yet but I really like him and for some odd reason he really likes me too.  Neither of us are seeing anyone else, so we are pretty much exclusive.  It's exciting dating again even if I'm only dating one guy.  He knows my situation and is comfortable with it for now.  We have a lot to work through if this relationship were to get serious.  He hasn't met my kids and I don't think I'm ready for that yet either.  I'm trying to take it slow and get to know him and let him get to know me.  So far, we are pretty much on the same page.  I hope he will stick around for a while.

As far as the depression thing goes, I'm definitely going through a rough patch.  I feel like crying a lot lately.  I'm not sure if it's because of my monthly gift that is causing me to be so sentimental or if it's my depression.  Maybe it's a combination of both.  Now that's scary, depression and PMS all rolled into one.  I'm hoping that I can get through this period in one piece!

So to sum it up, my kids are acting up and misbehaving due to the divorce, my emotions are hitting rock bottom, and my dating life is healthy and happy.  Well, one out three isn't bad.

Tomorrow is another day.

New Year, New Start

To begin, this is a new year.  2011, a time to start fresh, to learn from my mistakes over the past years and to use my knowledge to better myself and my situation.  Normally I would just make some lame resolutions and forget about them before I could write them down.  This year, thanks to the divorce and the new boyfriend, I vow to become a better person than I was last year.  I'm going to do everything I can to prove to myself that I'm not the person who repeats the same mistakes over and over again.

Since this is my first post, it will undoubtedly be the longest.  I need to give some sort of background into my life and why this blog is necessary to my new life.  I'm currently married, although my divorce should be final in a few weeks.  My soon to be ex husband was not the man for me.  I take partial blame, I let him walk all over me and I never stood up for myself.  I did love him and he did love me.  However, his daily mantra of "my way or the highway" finally got me to realize I wanted the highway.  I have two beautiful girls from my marriage with him.  Evelyn is the oldest at 5.  Liliana is my baby at 2.  I call them Evie and Lily for short.  They are a rambunctious team who can always make me smile and always make me mad.  My marriage taught me a lot about who I am and who I want to be.  It also taught me what I want for myself and what I want for my girls.  I have no doubts about what I want now and I have my marriage to thank for that.

As my blog title suggests, this is not just about my divorce.  I also suffer from major depression.  I had my first diagnosis when I was about 12.  My poor mother had the unfortunate luck to be single during my worst times.  I admire her for everything she did for me despite the crap I put her through.  I am on medication, that I take everyday.  It's a big deal if I miss a dose, because I'm on such a high dose that if I miss one it throws me off for a few days.  Not to mention, for about a week out of every month I turn into an emotional mess regardless of my medication.  It's a struggle to keep myself on the right track but I work hard at it and I'm proud of my progress so far.

The last part of my blog title says that I'm dating.  I'll get into that more later.  For now just know that I am seeing a guy that I really like.  He makes me feel normal.  I hope that things go well with him but I'm taking things one day at a time (or trying to at least). 

This blog is for me more than anything.  It is to document my progress over the next year and see how well I accomplish my goals and handle the three Ds, Divorce, Depression and Dating.  I hope by the end of the year to be able to come out of this journey a stronger, healthier, and better person.  Wish me luck.