Starting Again

I am divorced.  It was official on Friday.  Thanks to my disasterous weekend and my terrible depression that hit me I forgot to mention it.  However, it's a new day, it's a new chance to start over.  I'm going to try and think of this as an opportunity to do what makes me happy.

I got back with the new guy that had dumped me.  He never really dumped me, I had just assumed it was over.  It turns out it wasn't so much my clingy behavior that freaked him out, it was the fact that I was letting what everyone else said about us ruin what we had.  I'm not doing that anymore.  We are going to do things according to us and no one else.  If they don't like it, too bad.  He makes me happy and I really think I could fall in love with him.  He's not perfect by any sense of the word and he has huge red flags but when I'm with him I don't really care.  Our relationship is going to be about fun.  As soon as things start to go bad, we will call it quits and move on.  Until then, I'm not gonna make this into something it's not.

So my ex (yay!  he is officially my ex!) is coming on Thursday night for the girls.  I'm pretty sure he is going to be staying the night but honestly I don't even care.  As long as he doesn't try anything with me it will all be ok.  He is going to drop off a lot of things that I accidentally gave him before the divorce and he will be picking up a few things that I forgot to give him.  It's not that big of a deal, as long as everything works out I don't really mind that he stays the night.  He will be leaving Friday and I will have all day Saturday and Sunday to myself to do school work and relax.  I'm actually really excited.  I honestly don't care if I see new guy this weekend.  I just want to catch up on everything and have fun.

Oh, the roommates are moving out this weekend.  I'm not sure how that is going to work but I'm kinda excited to have my house all to myself again.  I can do things my way.  I can keep the house clean, I can do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to worry about them leaving the lights on all night or not locking the door when they leave or their dogs destroying my house, or anything else that comes with roommates.  I will miss the extra income but it's not worth it.

So now is the start of my new life.  I'm finally divorced, I have my life going in a decent direction, and I've given up on trying to plan for my future.  I just need to take things one day at a time and go from there.  I need to focus more on school and my kids before I worry about boys.  I need to take care of me before I take care of anyone else.  I need to stand up for what I want and stop letting people take advantage of me.  I love this song that Michael Buble sings, "it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, and I'm feeling good!".

I'm feeling good.

Dating Disaster

So I was right about the new guy.  He called me and texted me and I went right back into my old routine.  I became clingy and emotional and he hated it.  He came over on Friday to spend the night but it didn't feel right.  Nothing about him feels right.  I really think I should just cut my losses and move on.  Unfortunately, I deleted his number and I have no intention of going over to his house to break up with him.  Plus, he has my stuff at his place and I have his stuff here.  See, here I go making excuses as to why I can't break up with him.  I need to get him out of my life and stay single for a while.  I'm so scared of being alone.

My roommates are moving out next weekend.  When they leave, I'll be completely alone with the girls.  I know that I'm going to be doing stupid things like trying to meet guys or letting my depression get the best of me.  I never learn. You know, I actually had a dream last night that new guy told me he loved me.  It's stuck in my head now.  Even my dreams are sabotaging my head.

I want to stay in bed all day.  I want to sleep until I'm normal again.  I want to run far far away from all my problems and never have to deal with them again.  I can't keep running from my problems but I don't know how to face it without getting hurt again.  Normally once I start writing I get an idea on how to fix things, even if it doesn't work out  at least I end up with a plan.  Today I don't have a plan.  I'm so confused and exhausted.  What the heck do I do?  What is the answer?  What is the solution?  I don't think I've ever been so lost before.

Back with a Vengence

So I thought I was ok.  I had been for a while but it suddenly hit me like a brick wall.  My depression is back and it's on a rampage.  Today for the first time in a long time I actually thought about suicide.  Of course I'm strong enough to know that I would never do that to my beautiful girls.  Honestly, those girls are the only reason I'm still here.  If I didn't know that I need to go pick them up from daycare and take them home and give them a bath and cook and cuddle with them, I swear I would do something stupid.  I'm at work right now doing the one big no-no, not working, but I can't not write down what's going on right now.  If I don't write it down I'm going to go right up to the fourth floor and jump off.

There is nothing special about today.  Maybe the fact that I just got my period today, I forgot to take my depression medication, and I'm stressed out is causing this severe relapse.  Maybe it's because I'm trying to do too much with my life right now.  I hate my job.  I REALLY hate my job.  I hate it so much I'm thinking about quitting and getting a job as a stripper.  It pays better, I would like it better, and I wouldn't have to drive myself crazy everyday.  OMG I can't believe I'm actually thinking about becoming a stripper.  I think this job is really dragging me down.  I'm gonna have to find a new job.  I just can't take it here.  It's not a bad job.  They pay me well for minimal work but I just hate it here.  It's a great job for someone else, not for me.

I deleted the new guy's number today.  I was getting in way over my head with him.  I was ready for him to move in, I was gonna buy him a car, I was spending too much time devoted to him.  It wasn't healthy.  I cut myself off from him.  I know he will call or text me later, and I'll still talk to him.  Just the fact that his number is off my phone and I have no way of contacting him makes me feel better.  I feel more in control.  Maybe that's my problem, I feel like I have no control.  I really need to talk to my mom.  I should be brutally honest with her, so she can give me logical reasons why I feel like this.  I need direction, I need to go in the right direction.  I can't keep going in the wrong direction all the time.  God, I'm getting old, I need to start going down the right path but what the hell is it?  I feel so lost, so confused all the time.  It's not just the damn depression, there has to be something else going on to cause me to feel so lost.

 Ok, I have a plan.  This weekend, my ex is taking the girls.  I'm going to go out of town.  I can't afford to, but I need to.  I need to get out of the house, away from my roommates.  I need to get out of town, away from all the things that are stressing me out.  The sooner I can get out of town, the better.  I know I can't keep running, but maybe by getting out of town I can get a new perspective on what I'm doing wrong with my life.

We shall see what happens next.