I messed up. Big time. I got a boyfriend. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe before I start lamenting on how much of an idiot I am, I should tell the story.
So about three weeks ago I went to this Christmas party my friend was having. At the time, I had no desire to find a boyfriend. If you remember, I had given up on men. I didn't want anything to do with them and was just going to use them like they have used me. If I needed sex, I was going to find a boy to hook up with, and then dump him. No strings, no commitment, no drama, no emotions. It worked great for a while. So when I went to the party I had no intentions of finding anyone, except maybe a booty call. However, I met this great guy. He was funny and charming and sweet, so I invited him to my birthday party the next day. We exchanged numbers and I went home. I texted him the next day and he said he couldn't make it because he forgot about something else he was supposed to do. No biggie, we made plans on meet up two days later.
Here is where I messed up. We started talking. A Lot. By a lot, I mean for hours and hours either texting or on the phone. Every single day. He made me feel loved and appreciated and wanted. When we did go on our date, he and I had so much in common, he said all the right things, made me feel special. Then he said he was a virgin. A 24 year old virgin. So I offered to take his virginity. And I did. That was my second mistake.
We got real serious real fast and before our first week together he said he loved me and we agreed to be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. But he lives 600 miles away, a ten hour car drive. I'm an idiot. So for the first two weeks of our relationship everything was great. We talked all the time, when I needed him he was there, everything was wonderful. Then it wasn't. One day he stopped answering his phone. He eventually picked it up again, but that was after my day went bat shit crazy and I nearly broke down. It was then that I realized I was relying on a man for my happiness yet again. What was wrong with me? Why did I keep making the same mistakes over and over again? He is no different than the rest of them. He is emotionally immature, completely not ready to be in a serious relationship and here we are. He can't handle that I have two kids. He isn't even ready to think about the future and I don't blame him! I'm his first real girlfriend since high school and boy did he hit the baggage jackpot with me. I have so many issues I don't know where to start.
So now we are at a crossroads. We had a talk two or three days ago about space. He needs it, I need a lack of it. We need two different things, but we tried to come to a consensus. We will talk on skype once a week on Thursday nights. He will call once a day between 8pm and 11pm. If he can't call, he will text me and let me know. This is the third day we have tried this. I was fine for a while, but then I realized I'm not even myself anymore. I'm scared to text him, scared to call. I'm worried that I will say the wrong thing or do something that will upset him. I'm even scared to talk to him about it because I don't want to push him away. The whole reason I fell for the guy is because I could be myself and he just thought it was funny or cute. Now I'm doing everything in my power to NOT be myself. It's just not working and I"m miserable. I understand he needs space, but I need attention too. Not all the time like before, but I have to know that if I text him there wont be reprecussions. That I can be my insane spontaneous, erratic self and that I wont be punished for it. What is the point of being in a relationship if I can't be myself?
I will agree that what we had before was excessive and borderline insane. I will conceed that it was mostly my fault for not stopping this sooner. Now I need to fix it. I need to make sure he understands why I'm not happy. I need for us to figure something out, I need him to hear me and understand my needs. I need to talk to him, but I don't even know when he will call.
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