Back with a Vengence

So I thought I was ok.  I had been for a while but it suddenly hit me like a brick wall.  My depression is back and it's on a rampage.  Today for the first time in a long time I actually thought about suicide.  Of course I'm strong enough to know that I would never do that to my beautiful girls.  Honestly, those girls are the only reason I'm still here.  If I didn't know that I need to go pick them up from daycare and take them home and give them a bath and cook and cuddle with them, I swear I would do something stupid.  I'm at work right now doing the one big no-no, not working, but I can't not write down what's going on right now.  If I don't write it down I'm going to go right up to the fourth floor and jump off.

There is nothing special about today.  Maybe the fact that I just got my period today, I forgot to take my depression medication, and I'm stressed out is causing this severe relapse.  Maybe it's because I'm trying to do too much with my life right now.  I hate my job.  I REALLY hate my job.  I hate it so much I'm thinking about quitting and getting a job as a stripper.  It pays better, I would like it better, and I wouldn't have to drive myself crazy everyday.  OMG I can't believe I'm actually thinking about becoming a stripper.  I think this job is really dragging me down.  I'm gonna have to find a new job.  I just can't take it here.  It's not a bad job.  They pay me well for minimal work but I just hate it here.  It's a great job for someone else, not for me.

I deleted the new guy's number today.  I was getting in way over my head with him.  I was ready for him to move in, I was gonna buy him a car, I was spending too much time devoted to him.  It wasn't healthy.  I cut myself off from him.  I know he will call or text me later, and I'll still talk to him.  Just the fact that his number is off my phone and I have no way of contacting him makes me feel better.  I feel more in control.  Maybe that's my problem, I feel like I have no control.  I really need to talk to my mom.  I should be brutally honest with her, so she can give me logical reasons why I feel like this.  I need direction, I need to go in the right direction.  I can't keep going in the wrong direction all the time.  God, I'm getting old, I need to start going down the right path but what the hell is it?  I feel so lost, so confused all the time.  It's not just the damn depression, there has to be something else going on to cause me to feel so lost.

 Ok, I have a plan.  This weekend, my ex is taking the girls.  I'm going to go out of town.  I can't afford to, but I need to.  I need to get out of the house, away from my roommates.  I need to get out of town, away from all the things that are stressing me out.  The sooner I can get out of town, the better.  I know I can't keep running, but maybe by getting out of town I can get a new perspective on what I'm doing wrong with my life.

We shall see what happens next.