Trying Hard

It's not as easy as I expected it to be without the boyfriend.  I find myself perpetually lonely.  When I got home on Sunday night, I slept by myself but I was too exhausted to care.  I had asked him to leave his key and he did, after he spent the night in the other room without me knowing.  Monday he came over to pack up a suitcase of his stuff and then leave.  He came over and we ended up having sex in shower....  It wasn't planned but I really wanted it.  He left after that and I cried like I always do.  He came back later that night for something while I was already in bed.  I don't remember what he wanted but he ended up staying the night in my bed.  We had sex the next morning before he left for work.  Yesterday was the first day I spent without him.  I texted him three times.  Once to tell him that I noticed he took the key back.  Once to ask him if he was planning on coming over.  The last time was to tell him he had mail at the house.  I called him once yesterday and I was going to beg him to come over but luckily for me he didn't answer and I spent the night alone crying.  I had to take a sleeping pill just to fall asleep.

I texted him this morning to tell him thank you for not answering.  That having him ignore me made it easier for me to be mad at him and move on.  He responded that he wasn't ignoring me.  Whatever.  I'm trying to see past his little manipulations.  I'm trying to focus on school and work and myself.  It's really not easy.  After being in some sort of relationship for almost a decade it's difficult to be alone.  I don't even have my kids here to distract me.  It's just me.  Alone.  It's ok, I will get through this.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.  Today after work I have to stop by school to pick up a book, then I'm off to the community college to enroll in a class for summer 2, then I have to go home and clean up the cat poop in my bathtub (don't ask) and then I have to do homework, cook dinner, and read a chapter in one of my books.  After all of that, I'm taking a sleeping pill and going to bed, no matter what time I'm done.  The less time I'm idle, the less time I have to sit and dwell on him not being there.

Only fifteen minutes left of work today!  I just need this day to hurry up and get over with.  I'm ready for tomorrow to start so I can try to go a whole day without talking to him.  We'll see how that goes.